A New Normal JOW #1027

So the nation is all hunkered down, not going to work, hanging out at home….  Welcome to my world.  Think of it as having six Saturdays and Sunday -that way you do not lose track of what day of the week it is. Ruth has been preparing meals from all the food she has stored away.  She is a very good cook and the gym is closed – a recipe for disaster.  It is like when you gain ten pounds for a role and then remember that you are not an actor.  I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.  It turns out the dryer wasn’t the appliance that made my clothes shrink; it was my refrigerator.   And if by doing “crunches” you mean the sound pork rinds make when you chew them, then, yes, I do crunches.”

Saying I can’t go out because of the virus sound weak and whiny.  I personally claim that “I have sworn an oath of solitude until this pestilence is purged from the land.” 

<<<<< 

My doctor said to me, “Don’t eat anything fatty.”

I said, “Like burgers and bacon?” 

“No,” he replied, “No fatty, don’t eat anything,”

>>>>>>> 

I have had to go on two diets.  I wasn’t getting enough to eat on just one. 

You are not getting fat – chin up!  No, the other one….

My morning checklist these days

Clothed?  Adequately

Keys?  Yep, just found them

Coffee Cup?  Fully charged.

Sanity?    Sanity?  Oops.

Yeah, sometimes I question my sanity. Occasionally it answers.

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Women haven’t been to beauty shops is so long their hair is returning to the factory setting.  I guess that gives a whole new meaning to ‘discovering your roots.’  And the rate of closeup selfies have dropped faster than the stock market.

^^^^^^^

I got so bored yesterday in my house that I sat and concentrated on melting an ice cube with my mind.  I did it, but it took a lot longer than I thought it would.

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People are reporting prowlers in their neighborhoods when it is just their neighbors without hair color, extensions, or makeup.

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Hair stylists better be resting up now because when they reopen they better be there 24/7 to satisfy all the pent up demand.

And for the record

CorVid19 is not Trump’s fault

Ebola was not Obama’s fault

SARS was not Bush’s fault

And only a handful of herpes cases were Clinton’s fault.

*****

Q: What is an Economic Stimulus payment?

A: It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q: Where will the government get this money?

A: From taxpayers.

Q: So the government is giving me back my own money?

A: Only a smidgen of it.

Q: What is the purpose of this payment?

A: The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high definition television set, a new iPad, or a new SUV, thus stimulating the economy.

Q: Isn’t that stimulating the economy of China?

A: Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U. S. Economy with and your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Walmart the money will go to China.

* if you spend it on gasoline, your money goes to the Arabs.

* if you purchase a computer, it goes to India, Taiwan or China.

* if you purchase fruits and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.

* if you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea. 

* if you purchase useless stuff, it goes to Taiwan. 

* if you pay your credit card off, or buy stock, it will go to the management bonuses and they will hide it offshore. 

Instead keep the money in America by:

* Spending it at a yard sale, or

* Go to a ballgame, or

* Spend it on beer, guns, or tattoos 

(Apparently these are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.)

Some Old Jokes from Bill

'OLD' IS WHEN...  
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.  
 'OLD' IS WHEN...  
See a good looking girl and your pacemaker opens the garage door.  
 'OLD' IS WHEN...  
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.  
 'OLD' IS WHEN...  
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police  
 'OLD' IS WHEN...  
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.  
 'OLD' IS WHEN...  
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.  
 'OLD' IS WHEN...  
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.  
 and   
 'OLD' IS WHEN....  
You are not sure these are jokes

And finally - Scotch with two drops of water...   
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As   the bartender gives her the drink she says,  
 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birth- day and it's today..'  
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birth-   day, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on  
me.'  
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'  
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'  
'Coming up,' says the bartender.  
 As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'  
 The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of  
water.' 'Coming right up,' the bartender says.  
 As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with  
only two drops of water?'  
 The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you are my age, you've learned how to hold  
your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'