Quarantined JOW #1026

And our ‘stay at home status continues.  Self-isolation, social distancing, quarantine, why can’t we call it something like “Exiled for the good of the Realm.”   

I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone.  I mean, just a few short weeks ago it was yesterday.

Horoscopes these days are all the same:  You will be spending a lot of time at home.

Home invasions should decline during the quarantine.  Everybody is home – with a gun.  And enough bleach and paper towels to clean up the mess.  Gas is finally affordable; of course, we can’t go anywhere.  As they say, better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under.  I walked by the movie theater where the marquee read: No Close Encounters of Any Kind. 

Quarantine Day One: Ate all of my horded quarantine snacks.

Quarantine Day Two: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

Quarantine Day Three:  The cleaning lady announces she will be working from home but will send instructions. 

Quarantine Day Four: Finally figured out how to fold a fitted sheet.

Home schooling Day Five: “My Kid is a Terrific Student” bumper sticker is gone.

Quarantine Day Six:  Preparing to take out the garbage.  So excited.  Can’t figure out what to wear.

Home schooling Day Seven: One of the little monsters called in a bomb threat.

Quarantine Day Eight:  Finally learned how to spell “Quarantine” without help.

Quarantine Day Nine: Beginning to wonder if the Donner Party were even hungry.

Quarantine Day Ten: Neighborhood Quarantine Parties.  No one is invited.

Home Schooling Day Eleven: Two students have been suspended for fighting and one teacher fired for drinking on the job.

Home Schooling Day Twelve: They are all given graduate equivalences.

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator. 

I recommend that every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?

This Covid19 thing has put “Where’s Waldo” out of business.

Television talking heads are all looking like Hollywood Squares.

And my full Darth Vader suit and helmet are coming in pretty handy about now.

Bill knows a guy who has started a new pandemic business.  For $3500 they come to your house dressed as a coronavirus rescue team to rescue you from your wife.  They will take you anyplace you want to go for 14 days ‘quarantine’ and bring you back home afterwards.

Bill also shared the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist.  One looks up your family tree.  The other looks up the family bush.

These are from Harry.

·         When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

·         To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

·         When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago. 

·         Job Interviewer: "So, tell me about yourself." Me: "I'd rather not. I kinda' want this job." 

·         I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

·         I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

·         Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

·         If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say "Did you bring the money?"

·         When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

·         Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.

·         I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but I did it.

·         I run like the winded.

·         I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

·         When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

·         When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

·         I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

·         Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Instead, spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

·         That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.

·         Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

·         The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

·         My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

·         If you are paying $3 for a bottle of Smart Water…. It isn’t working.

·         When you were younger when you dropped something you just picked it up.  Now that I am older I have to decide if I actually need it anymore.

·         One way to find out if people think you are old is to fall down in from a lot of people.  If they laugh, you are still young.  If they run over to help you up, you are old.

·         I don’t think of it so much as getting old as outliving the warranty.

·         Let me tell you, growing up in the sixties was a lot more fun than being in my sixties.

And finally three great dad jokes (if there is such a thing) from Richard.

Ralph: I’m visiting Greenwich, England next week.
Ronald:  Terrific!  What will you do in the mean time?

Waldo:  Do you still play triangle in the orchestra?
Wilhelmina:  No, I quit.  It was just one ting after another.

Q:  When does a joke become a dad joke?
A:  When it is full groan.