Man v Woman JOW #1025

This Covid19 thing has turned me into a dog.  All I do is hang around the house all day, taking naps, looking for food, and I get real excited about taking a walk.  I never thought a time would come when my hands consumed more alcohol than my mouth.  While we are going through this self-isolation I ask all of you to pray for my wife.  She is stuck in the house with me.

I have used topical jokes about the Corona virus for the last few weeks and thought to have a change of pace with some man versus woman jokes this week, but there are just too many bits from current events to pass up altogether.  Enjoy -

My friend Phil has confirmed the following is true: 

Belgium Health Minister Maggie de Block has put a ban on all non-essential sexual activities of persons three or greater in indoor areas.  I guess if you are into Flemish orgies you need to take it outside.

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King Filipe VI has been quarantined to his jet.  Thus the reign of Spain is staying mainly on the plane.

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These days the only people doing hair and nails are the morticians.

My Social Distancing Playlist:

·         Alone again, naturally

·         Alone

·         All by myself

·         Don’t Stand so Close to me

·         Keep your hands to yourself

·         You can’t touch this

·         Dancing with myself

Man versus Women jokes.  

-Ladies, if a man says he will fix something, he will fix it.  There is no need to remind him about it every six months.

-I once won an argument with a woman….  In this dream I had.

-NASA has photographs from no fewer than five Martian landers.  None of these pictures show any sports, porn, or beer on Mars.  This makes it very clear that men are NOT from Mars.

-Men have feelings, too.  For example we often feel hungry.

-What’s the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

-I am not sure I would want to be able to read a woman’s mind.  I hate shopping, don’t care about shoes, don’t like gossip, and I already know I annoy her.

-Even if a man could understand women, he still wouldn’t believe it.

-Why is a launderette a bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can’t afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

-He took his misfortune like a man; he blamed it on a woman.

-Men don’t get lost; they discover alternative destinations.

And some quotes with attributions

Do you know ‘that look’ women get when they want to have sex?  Me, neither.  – Steve Martin

Having sex is like playing bridge.  If you do not have a good partner you’d better have a good hand.” - Wood Allen.

“Women need a reason to have sex.  Men just need a place.” - Billy Crystal

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one of them at a time.” – Robin Williams

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The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.
"No!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! Is that alright with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"
At this moment, the Wolf Man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

Things you'll never hear a woman say:

·         What do you mean today's our anniversary?

·         Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.

·         Oh, this diamond is way too big!

·         Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'

·         Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?

·         Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.

·         I don't care if it's on sale, 300 dollars is way too much for a designer dress.

·         Hey, pull my finger!

Things you'll never hear a man say:

·         Here honey, you use the remote.

·         While I'm up, can I get you anything?

·         Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.

·         Aw, forget Monday night football, let's watch American Idol.

·         Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.

·         We never talk anymore.

God promised Man that good and obedient wives would be found in every corner of the world.  He then made the world round.  And laughed.

Here is one from Dick

Two women talking over the fence.

“Hello Judy, I haven’t seen your husband for a while.”

“Oh, he’s in the back yard.”

“Really, where?  I don’t see him.” 

“Well, you have to dig down a little.”

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

 She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE

 'Cash, check or charge?' the clerk asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

 As she fumbled for her wallet, he noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' she asked.

 'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could legally do to him.'

Finally, a Mexican chemistry ‘joke’.

6.00221 X 10²³   Guacas = One  Guaca mole   

Hint, a mole is SI unit which measures the number of particles in a substance.