Working Man JOW #1028

Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught.  However, I will be working all this week, helping businesses get ready to start back to work; I thus decided to do some employment jokes.  I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.  But I do have some Covid-19 jokes – there are so many. 

·         With all the hair solons closed many women are discovering a new meaning for the phrase ‘Fifty Shades of Gray.” 

·         It is funny that last year we were supposed to stay away from negative people.  Now we avoid positive people.

Here are some jokes about getting hired, working, and losing employment.  Meanwhile, I am going to have a quarantini.  That is a martini that you drink at home alone.

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An employee is getting to know her new co-workers when the topic of her last job comes up. One co-worker asks why she left that job.
"It was something my boss said," the woman replied.
"Why? What did he say?" the co-worker asked.
"You’re fired."

______

I always tell new hires, don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.

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Employer: We need someone responsible for the job.
Job Applicant: Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible.

Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless you're applying to be a statistician.

>>>>> 

HR: What’s your best asset?

Me: I have a great memory.

HR: Give me an example.

Me: Of what? 

……..

My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.

………

A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.
The boss asks him, “What do you think is your worst quality?”
The man says “I’m probably too honest.”
The boss says, “That’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality.”
The man replies, “I really don’t care about what you think!”

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When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

+++++

A man got laid off from the unemployment office on Friday. His boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”

~~~~~

Yesterday at work, I saw someone being horrifically inefficient and told him, “Dude that is definitely slowing you down.”

He replied, “Well yea it is, but I’m in the kitchen remodeling business so I’m supposed to be counter productive.”

“””””

I went for an interview for an office job today. The interviewer told me I'd start on $2,000 a month and then after 6 months I'd be on $2,500 a month.
I told them I'd start in 6 months.

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An employee goes to see his supervisor. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"Sorry, but we're short-handed," the boss replies. "I can’t give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says the employee. "I knew I could count on you!"

Some non-working jokes

Someone has stolen my Microsoft Office and they are going to pay for it... You have my Word.

~~~~~~~~~~~

A tax auditor was dispatched to perform an audit at a nudist colony, but he didn’t uncover anything. 

<<<<<<<<< 

Woody and Pat, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

 One day Pat didn't show up. Woody didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Pat hadn't shown up for a week or so, Woody really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Woody didn't know where Pat lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

 A month had passed, and Woody figured he had seen the last of Pat, but one day, Woody approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Pat! Woody was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Pat, what in the world happened to you?'

 Pat replied, 'I have been in jail.'

 'Jail!' cried Woody.  Again!  What for this time?'

 'Well,' Pat said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

 'Yeah,' said Woody, 'I remember her. What about her?

 'Well, one day she a filed paternity suit against me; and, at 79 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.

 'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.

>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Gallagher opened his morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read his name listed in the obituary column that he had died. 

He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did ye read the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"