Post Tax JOW #1041

I just noticed that my last JOW was #1040 which was submitted on the new tax day.  I missed my chance to used taxes as a theme on my 1040.  Here are some IRS jokes for your amusement.

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Tax Day is the day that working people send their money to Washington, D.C. and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands. 

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I tried cancelling my subscription to the IRS and asked them to remove me from their mailing list, but to no avail.

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Imagine a tax accountant reading bedtime stories to her child: “And all the hardworking men and women leave a copy of their tax returns under their pillow so the Tax Fairy can replace it with a tax refund.

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Called in for an audit, Mr. Briggs was confronted by a surly IRS agent. "It says here, Mr. Briggs that you are a bachelor; yet you claim a dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake."

Looking him straight in the eye, Mr. Briggs replied, "Yup, it surely was."

 ^^^^^^^^^

The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant poured over them.

Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

"Why would you say that?" wondered the broker.

"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."

“””””””””

The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, and the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"

"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife as deductions."

"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "I forgot to tell you - we also deliver."

<<<<<<<< 

A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS, excited to begin tracking down high-powered tax evaders.

 Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi.

 Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward, and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

 "Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

 "Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer, so he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way...

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases?  What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

 "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard now how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.  "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the I.R.S."

"The I.R.S.?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.

 "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi," the I.R.S." ...and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

>>>>>>>>>>>> 

A Dutch pastor was explaining the red, white and blue Netherlands flag to an American pastor.  The first pastor said, "Our flag is symbolic of our taxes.  We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them." 

The American nodded his understanding. "I know what you mean. It's the same in the United States, only we see stars too."

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These bits are from Dick

·         When I was born, I was given a choice – Good looks or a good memory.... I can’t remember which I took.  

·         Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

·         There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

·         Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

·         There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

·         Virginity is not dignity, it's a lack of opportunity.

·         Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

·         I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

·         Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

·         Question: What's an Australian kiss?
       Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

·          Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
       Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.
And finally

Climatologists can use tree rings to deduce changes in our climate.  There was a recent conference where three of the scientists, science being a contentious thing, got into a very public heated debate over the meanings of the tree rings.  It was a real tree ring circus.