We are spending a few
weeks in the Rockies where the air is fresh and cool - except where folks are
smoking dope. Ever since Colorado passed
amendment 64, legalizing marijuana, there have been talks of renaming the Rocky
Mountains to the Stoney Mountains.
Here are a few mountain-themed
jokes and an amusing and informational vignette about an interesting fact
concerning horse’s behinds and how they impacted the space race.
--------
The female
janitor in my building asked if I would smoke some weed with her. I said no; I can't deal with high maintenance
women.
>>>>>>>
There were a lot of dead
crows on highways in the Rocky Mountains this year. Ornithologists suspected it
was due to vehicles hitting the crows. This
was surprising because crows have adapted to feeding on carcasses by having two
birds watching from the trees while two birds feed. If there is a vehicle
coming, two crows will shout out so the other birds can fly away.
After analyzing the car chips left on the crows, it was found that 80% of crows killed by trucks and only 20% were killed by cars.
Turns out crows are really good at yelling "caw caw caw" and not good at yelling "truck truck truck".
After analyzing the car chips left on the crows, it was found that 80% of crows killed by trucks and only 20% were killed by cars.
Turns out crows are really good at yelling "caw caw caw" and not good at yelling "truck truck truck".
+++++++++
Two priests die at the
same time and meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "I'd
like to get you guys in now, but our computers are down. You'll have to go back
to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it
be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will you be keeping track of us, St. Peter ?"
"No, I told you the computer is down. There's no way we can keep track of what you are doing. This week's a freebie."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.
"Will you have trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rocky Mountains, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asks the Lord.
"Because he's on a snow tire somewhere in Colorado."
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will you be keeping track of us, St. Peter ?"
"No, I told you the computer is down. There's no way we can keep track of what you are doing. This week's a freebie."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.
"Will you have trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rocky Mountains, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asks the Lord.
"Because he's on a snow tire somewhere in Colorado."
^^^^^^^^^
A Kansas farmer decides to
retire and move to the Rocky Mountains after living his whole life on the
prairies. A few months later a friend comes to visit.
"What do you think of the mountains?" his friend asks.
"They are okay, but they sure obscure the view."
"What do you think of the mountains?" his friend asks.
"They are okay, but they sure obscure the view."
~~~~~~~~
It’s a five-minute walk
from my house to the bar but it’s a 35-minute walk from the bar to my house.
The difference is
staggering.
Finally, an amusing (to
me) bit of information that I believe is actually true.
The US standard railroad
gauge (the distance between two rails) is 4 feet 8.5 inches... an exceedingly
odd number.
Why was that gauge used?
Because a number of the early railroad lines in the US were built to fit standard-gauge locomotives manufactured by English railroad pioneer George Stephenson. The English expatriates who immigrated to America built them to the same dimension they had built them in England.
Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and thats the same gauge they used.
Why did "they" use the gauge for tramways then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which also used that wheel spacing.
OK! Why did the wagons have that particular wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on the old long-distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of those wheel ruts. If you wheel spacing didn't match the old ruts, your wheels would quickly self-destruct.
So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long-distance roads in Europe and in England for legions. Those roads have been in use ever since.
And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all made exactly alike in their wheel spacing. Every Imperial Roman war chariot was made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two Roman war horses. Those Roman chariots carved their deep ruts through England, Europe and the Middle East for several centuries thus establishing a well-worn precedent that has lasted for two thousand years. Providing how much bureaucracy can last forever.
Thus the U.S. standard railroad gauge of 4 feet 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot designed to accommodate the width of two equine buttocks.
So the next time you're handed a specification and wondered what horse's ass came up with that one, perhaps you'll pause and think about just how right you might be.
An ironic addendum of this story is that the solid rocket boosters (SRBs) used on the NASA space shuttles were manufactured by Thiokol Corp in Ogden, Utah, then shipped to Florida by rail-car for final assembly at the Cape Canaveral launch site. The rail lines pass through several narrow railroad tunnels hand carved through the Rocky Mountains back in the 1800's. The booster pieces thus had to be built small enough to fit through these narrow tunnel bores. Thus, our story concludes the width of one of the most advanced vehicles ever constructed by man was determined in part by the width of one of our most ancient vehicles... and a horse's ass!
Why was that gauge used?
Because a number of the early railroad lines in the US were built to fit standard-gauge locomotives manufactured by English railroad pioneer George Stephenson. The English expatriates who immigrated to America built them to the same dimension they had built them in England.
Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and thats the same gauge they used.
Why did "they" use the gauge for tramways then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which also used that wheel spacing.
OK! Why did the wagons have that particular wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on the old long-distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of those wheel ruts. If you wheel spacing didn't match the old ruts, your wheels would quickly self-destruct.
So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long-distance roads in Europe and in England for legions. Those roads have been in use ever since.
And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all made exactly alike in their wheel spacing. Every Imperial Roman war chariot was made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two Roman war horses. Those Roman chariots carved their deep ruts through England, Europe and the Middle East for several centuries thus establishing a well-worn precedent that has lasted for two thousand years. Providing how much bureaucracy can last forever.
Thus the U.S. standard railroad gauge of 4 feet 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot designed to accommodate the width of two equine buttocks.
So the next time you're handed a specification and wondered what horse's ass came up with that one, perhaps you'll pause and think about just how right you might be.
An ironic addendum of this story is that the solid rocket boosters (SRBs) used on the NASA space shuttles were manufactured by Thiokol Corp in Ogden, Utah, then shipped to Florida by rail-car for final assembly at the Cape Canaveral launch site. The rail lines pass through several narrow railroad tunnels hand carved through the Rocky Mountains back in the 1800's. The booster pieces thus had to be built small enough to fit through these narrow tunnel bores. Thus, our story concludes the width of one of the most advanced vehicles ever constructed by man was determined in part by the width of one of our most ancient vehicles... and a horse's ass!
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