We are in the middle of the Jewish holiday Hanukkah. Some people spell it ‘Hanukkah’, others ‘Chanukiyah’, still others ‘Chanukah’; remember Hebrew is the language that gave us ‘yarmulke’. (A tip of the hat to spell check for helping me sort that out.) Hanukkah can have different meanings to different people. To some, it is a Jewish festival commemorating the rededication of the Second Temple in Jerusalem at the time of the Maccabean Revolt against the Seleucid Empire. The legend is that the lamp in the temple burned for eight days without being refueled - the modern equivalent of a cell phone going eight days without a recharge. Now it is one of the most festive Jewish celebrations with family, friends, food, gifts and games. Here are a few jokes in commemoration of the holiday.
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Stan and John are walking to school one day
and Stan is describing his new PlayStation to his new friend John.
“Where did you get it?” John asks.
“I got it last night for Hanukkah,” says Stan.
“What’s Hanukkah?” John asks.
Stan replies, “It’s the Jewish holiday where
we get presents every night for eight nights to celebrate the festival of
lights.”
“Wow, I wish we got that!” John exclaims. The
next day on the way to school John runs up to Stan, curious to see what he got
the previous night.
He sees that Stan is upset and asks him,
“What’s wrong? Where’s your present from last night?”
Stan holds up a ball of crumpled wrapping
paper as he says, “It was leftovers night.”
~~~~~
What’s the difference between Hanukkah and a
dragon?
One lasts for eight nights, the other
sometimes ate knights.
^^^^^
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring
for Hanukkah.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a
friend of his says, “I thought she wanted one of those four-wheel-drive
vehicles.”
“She did,” he replies. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”
=====
What do you call someone who celebrates
Christmas sometimes and Hanukkah sometimes?
Jew-ish
What’s the best Hanukkah gift for the person
who has everything?
A burglar alarm.
```````
An old Jewish couple, Harry and Sadie, were
married for 35 years but never got along.
One day around this time of year, he says to her, "So? I suppose
you'll be wanting a Hanukkah present?"
She says to him, "Harry, I want a divorce."
Harry says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
>>>>>
A grandmother was giving directions to her
grown grandson who was coming to visit at Hanukkah with his wife. “You come to
the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T.” She continued,
“There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz
you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow
hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”
“Grandma, that sounds easy,” replied the
grandson, “but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow”?
To which she answered, “You’re coming empty
handed?”
<<<<<
A Jewish guy's mother gives him two sweaters
for Hanukkah. The next time he visits her, he makes sure to wear one. As he
walks into the house, his mother frowns and asks, "What – you didn't like
the other one?"
****
During the first day of Hanukkah, two elderly
Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by
Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish – the
colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe A Chinese waiter,
who had only been in New York a year, came up and in fluent Yiddish asked them
if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday. The Jewish men
were dumbfounded. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old
friend of theirs, “Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?”
The manager looked around and leaned in so no
one else will hear and said… “Shhhh. He thinks we’re teaching him English.”
Chanukah Songs that Never Quite Caught
On
Oy to the World
Schlepping through a Winter Wonderland
Hava Negilah – The Megamix
Bubbie Yetta Got Run Over by a Reindeer
Enough with those facackennah Jingle Bells
Already... Sheez!
Matzo Man (by the Lower East Side Village
People)
I Have a Little Dreidel (the Barking Dog
Version)
Come on Baby, Light My Menorah
Deck the Halls with Balls of Matzos
Silent Night? I Should Be So Lucky
Enough with the Hanukkah jokes
A sign on a cosmetic surgery clinic:
"If life gives you lemons, we can give you melons."
>>>>>
Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife
a little gift.
"How about showing me some perfume for my
wife?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle
for $30.00.
"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tim "is I'd like to see something really
cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.
And finally
An efficiency expert
concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these
techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert
explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table
and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon,
why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20
minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
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