Well, we are finally almost done with 2020. Remember when people said they were glad to be done with 2019? Little did we know… 2020 was a leap year; like we needed another day of it. As far as I am concerned 2020 just leaped into a pile of crap. I don’t know about you but I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event. We had the virus, of course, but don’t forget the natural disasters – a record number of hurricanes and tremendous fires in the west. The fires got so bad that the Portland rioters actually had to take a break. Add to all that the riots, racial tensions ramping up and nasty politics and you have a real dumpster fire of a year. Justice Ginsburg died, too – the end 2020 was Ruthless.
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Face it, if 2020 was a drink it would be that colonoscopy
prep stuff.
If it was an Ice Cream truck the only flavors it would
sell would be liver and onion.
If it was a shoe it would be a pair of used Crocs.
If it was a piñata it would be a hornet’s nest
++++++++
The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner – it
was like January, February, lockdown.
In 2015 not one person correctly answered the question,
‘where do you see yourself in five years?’
I am not sure what animal the year 2020 is on the Chinese
calendar, but I am pretty sure it has rabies.
In 2019 it was stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay
away from positive people.
Do you remember all the jokes I made a year ago about
having 2020 vision? Well you know what
they say about hindsight.
The world has turned upside down. Old folks are
sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors! And what about education? You think it’s bad now? In 20 years our
country will be run by people homeschooled by day drinkers…
The year 2020 began with Australia on fire and over a
billion animals dead. Little did we know
then that it would be the feel-good story of the year.
^^^^^^^^
I purchased a world map and then gave my wife a dart and
said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this
pandemic ends.” Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
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For months we had to somehow make do without professional
sports OF ANY KIND. I actually had to
talk with my wife. She seems nice.
Covid thoughts
·
I’d tell you a coronavirus joke but you’d have
to wait two weeks to get it.
·
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her
cat. It was obvious she thought it understood her. I came into my house and told
my dog. We both laughed and laughed.
·
I need to practice physical-distancing from the
refrigerator.
·
Every few days try your jeans on just to make
sure they fit. Pajamas will let you believe all is well in the kingdom.
·
This virus has done what no woman has ever been
able to do. Cancel sports, shut down all bars, and keep men at home!
·
I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch
them with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
·
Never in a million years could I have imagined I
would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and ask for money.
·
Zooming used to mean I was going fast. Now it
means I am sitting still.
·
Because of Covid 19 the National Spelling BEE
was cancilled cancul… It’s been called
off.
·
Why don’t ants get Covid? Because they have anty bodies.
The governor of California has issued a stay a home order. They residents of nearby states have been
telling Californians that for years.
Home Covid testing.
At 5 PM open a bottle of wine and then pour some of it in a glass. If you can smell and taste it you are
good. Celebrate by finishing the bottle.
Kids studying 2020 in the future will need a wheelbarrow
to carry their textbook to class. History
Lecturers of the future will be able to teach a whole course on each dreadful
month of 2020.
This got me thinking about the future.
In the 80's we used to think in 2020 we'll have flying
cars cities on other planets, but here we are, teaching people how to wash their
hands
Doc Brown to Marty McFly in Back to the Future 3:
“Whatever you do Marty, do not go back to 2020.”
Time Traveler entering 2020: “Has the disaster happened
yet?” Me: “Which one?”
And finally I am ending with an off-topic joke
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've
got some bad news. You have cancer, and
you'd best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and
walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well,
daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things
don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have terminal cancer. So, let's head to the
club and have a martini.'
After three or four martinis, the two were feeling a
little less somber. There were some
laughs and more martinis. They
were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious
as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her
impending end, 'I don’t have long to live.
I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences
and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over
and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you
just told your friends you were dying of AIDS!
Why did you do that?'
'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with
your father after I'm gone.'
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