Hearty JOW #1062

 As some of you know I had a little problem with my ticker this week; specifically we discovered that my left anterior descending artery was about 95% closed by cholesterol plaque.  This can lead to the type of heart attack called a widow maker.  Fortunately for me, medicine has advanced to where a relatively simple (but still miraculous) procedure allowed the doctor to push all that plaque aside and install a stint which took care of the problem.  

The difference between being a senior and being elderly is that when you are a senior you talk about your aches and aliments; when you are elderly you talk about your operations and procedures. 

At any rate, all this got me thinking about that heart attack I did not have and that led to most of these jokes.

^^^^^^^

Heart-Attacks are overrated.  I mean your heart works non-stop all of your life - would it kill you if the poor guy took a break for 5 minutes?

 

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of Charades.

And then all your friends feel bad, because they kept yelling "Stroke!"

 

My wife always says, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach!"

Lovely woman.  Terrible surgeon.

 

A man was having a heart attack at a bar.  When a patron yelled out, "Does anyone know CPR", the place went silent, then a drunk at the back yelled out "I do... I even know the whole alphabet". Everybody laughed. Well except for this one guy.

 

You heard about the guy who had a heart-attack when the police entered his house?

He had a cardiac arrest

 

A shop owner was on his deathbed surrounded by his family. He asks if the wife is there; she was. He asks if his son was there; he was. He asked if his daughter was there, and she was.
As he finds out everyone's there, he has a heart attack. His final words were:
“Why... is no one... in the shop...”

 

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.

He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
Am I in heaven? asks the disoriented priest.
No says one of the nurses. We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward.

 

I was hungover this morning so I phoned work and said to the boss.... "I'm afraid I won't be in today, my father had a massive heart attack and died last night."
"That was your last chance Dave," he said, "I'm taking the 'and son' off the shop sign."

This one is for Mike

What does a pirate say when he's having a heart attack?

"Arrrrrrrgh, me hearties!"

 

Let's have an Aussie accent joke

A man on vacation in Queensland suffers a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. On waking, he weakly asks the nurse, "Was I brought here to die?"

The nurse replies, "No, they brought you in yesterday."

 

To all of you idiots out there that drive these loud cars, we hate you; get off our roads.

We don't care how many heart attack victims you have to take to the hospital.

 

What's the worst thing to hear at an antivax rally?

"He's having a heart attack! Is anyone here a doctor?"

Speaking of Antivaxers:

Linda had a heart attack and was brought to the emergency room while in clinical death. The doctors managed to revive her, but during her coma she saw a bright light and God appeared to her. She asked him:
"Tell me, God, is it true that vaccines could cause autism?"
"No, autism is a condition that develops during pregnancy"
After getting well, she met her friends and told them about her experience:
"Girls, I have awful news: the conspiracy goes way higher than we've thought"

 

Careful what you wish for!

I don't think I ever got over my grandmother's death when I was a kid.
My Nana died from a heart attack during my ninth birthday party, literally while she was eating cake.  And I guess that must have screwed me up a little bit.  I mean, I still have birthday parties.
But now I'm just careful what I wish for.

 

And finally, a viral joke.

I thought you would want to know about this new virus.  Even the most advanced anti-virus protocols cannot take care of this one, including the latest ones from Pfizer and Moderna.  Like the Wuhan China Virus, it appears to primarily target those who are 55 and older.  The sporadic lockdowns seem to be increasing the chances of being affected! 

Virus Symptoms 

 1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. (Done that) 

 2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. (That too) 

 3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person. (Yup) 

 4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. (Ah-ha)  

 5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. (Done that) 

 6. Causes you to hit SEND before you've finished. (Oh no, not again). 

 7. Causes you to hit DELETE instead of SEND. (Hate that) 

 This virus is called the   C-NILE   virus! 

 A lot of us have already been inflicted with this disease and unfortunately as we age, it gets worse.  And if you can't admit to doing any of the above, you've obviously caught the other strain - the   D-NILE virus.  Doctors say that lots of naps and regular doses of Dr. Jack Daniels liquid medicine might help.