All Dad JOW #1066

 

My JOWs this week are exclusively Dad Jokes.  As my poor children will attest, I love to tell Dad Jokes.  My wife has heard so many that she is now immune to them.  What are Dad Jokes?  Any silly short joke, frequently involving wordplay, such as:  I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad! 

 

Jim send me a lot of these classic Dad Jokes.

What rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore.

What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!

What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!

What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food!

Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe!

What happens when you go to the bathroom in Europe? European.

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire!

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!

Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?  They say he made a mint!

Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.

A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well!

What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory!

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it!

Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it!

I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!

What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it!

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there!

What's ET short for? Because he's only got tiny legs!

What's brown and sticky? A stick!

Can February march? No, but April may!

What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!

Why is Peter Pan always flying? He Neverlands!

What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!

What do Santa's elves listen to ask they work? Wrap music!

Did you hear about the bacon cheeseburger who couldn't stop telling jokes? It was on a roll.

Why was the coach yelling at a vending machine? He wanted his quarter back.

Within minutes, the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.

I tell dad jokes but I have no kids…I'm a faux pa!

So a vowel saves another vowel's life. The other vowel says, "Aye E! I owe you!"

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Five out of four people admit they're bad with fractions!

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way!

When the grocery store clerk asks me if I want the milk in a bag, I always tell him, "No, I'd rather drink it out of the carton!"

The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this!

Actually 5 out of 4 people don’t understand fractions.

I invented a new word today: Plagiarism!

This morning, Siri said, "Don't call me Shirley." I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode!

I know a lot of jokes about retired people but none of them work!

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto!

What rhymes with boo and stinks? You!

I accidentally dropped my pillow on the floor. I think it has a concushion.

I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.

Some people can't distinguish between etymology and entomology. They bug me in ways I can't put into words.

My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn't cool.

If an English teacher is convicted of a crime and doesn't complete the sentence, is that a fragment?

Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks? Minnesota!

I got a hen to regularly count her own eggs. She's a real mathamachicken!

Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They just seem a little shady!

Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!

I don't really call for funerals that start before noon. I guess I'm just not a mourning person!

One of my favorite memories as a kid was when my brothers used to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears!

I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up.
Good thymes.

I'm addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help!

What does the cell say to his sister when she steps on his toe? "Oh my toe sis!"

I never buy pre-shredded cheese. Because doing it yourself is grate.

How do you tell the difference between a bull and a milk cow? It is either one or the utter.

I have a great joke about nepotism. But I'll only tell it to my kids.

What do scholars eat when they're hungry? Academia nuts.

What do you call an ant that has been shunned by his community? A socially dissed ant.

A Vicks VapoRub truck overturned on the highway this morning. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.

 

And finally, from Dick, two more.

‘I don’t have a dad bod, I have a father figure

 

My grief counselor died…fortunately he’s so good at his work that it was no big deal.