More Old JOWs #1067

 My new goal is to be the oldest man in the world.  I started out way behind (I was born at an incredibly young age), but have passed several billion people by now.  In fact I just set a personal best for being old. It’s weird being the same age as old people.  When I was a kid I wanted to be older…what I got is not what I expected!  You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.  

My jokes of the week starts with that theme and then drifts away.

 

Kids today don’t know how good they have it.  When I was young I had to walk ten feet across shag carpeting to change the TV channel

 

The good old days were when I wasn’t good, and I wasn’t old.”

 

I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

 

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

 

I see people about my age mountain climbing (like Andy); I feel good getting my legs through my underwear without losing my balance.

 

If you can’t think of a word say, “I forgot the English word for it.”  That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

 

Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.

 

I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.

 

About the Corona Virus:

During the Middle Ages they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies.  Does anyone know if there is anything planned when this one ends?

And when will the term 2020 become a pejorative expression such as, ‘Man that place was just 2020.”

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A guy goes to his doctor because he can see into the future. The doctor asks him, "How long have you suffered from that condition?" The guy tells him, "Since next Monday."

 

Student: "Can I go to the bathroom?"
Teacher: "It's 'may.'"
Student: "No, it's January."

 

In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.

 

I think my wife is putting glue on my weapons collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns!

My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" And I told him, "No it doesn't!"

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her, "First offender?" 

She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"

 

Someone complimented my parking today! They left a  note on my windshield that said "parking fine."

 

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.

 

Remember how when you were little you could just rip off your clothes and run around naked and everybody thought it was cute?  Anyway, I need bail money.

 

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Lately I’ve been feeling lethargic, listless, and apathetic.  When I get up too suddenly I get dizzy.  Sort of like it was after smoking a couple of joints.  Which reminded me there are great opportunities to get into the Cannabis Industry.  It sounds like an attractive joint venture.  You can go really high in this field…forget Peter Drucker…the management gurus in this field are Cheech and Chong…

 

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A local parish priest had a donkey.  He entered his donkey in a race, and it won.

The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in a race again and it won again.

The local paper read:

PRIESTS ASS IS THE BEST

 

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read:

 BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS

 

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

 NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

 

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

 

 This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

 NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

 The Bishop was buried the next day.

 

The moral of the story is: Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery -- maybe even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and just cover your own. You'll be a lot happier and live longer!

 

And finally

A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.”

“Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested. The next week, John is much happier.

“The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!”

“What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend.

“I don’t know, but they’ve got a kind of peppermint taste.”