Old 'New Normal' JOW #1065

I did not expect things to get back to normal just because we are out of that dreadful 2020, it will be a while before things get back to close to normal.  I have a few short jokes about our current ‘new normal’ and then some jokes about my ‘old normal’.  As I have gotten older I have learned that the difference between being a Senior and being Elderly.  Seniors talk about their aches and ailments.  The Elderly talk about their procedures and operations. 

Here are a few bits about our ‘new normal’ provided by Bill

Covid 19 has been with us now that you can now buy matching shirts and face masks.

They are now starting to open stadiums – for AA meetings.

I remarked to my wife how thankful I was to have someone I enjoyed being quarantined with.  She said, “Must be nice.”

I told her that one good thing about the lockdown is that we can’t go out and spend money shopping.

She just smiled and clicked, ‘add to cart’.

As I watched the dog chasing his tail I thought, ‘Dogs are easily amused.’  Then I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail.

Do you remember, before the internet, people thought the cause of ignorance was the lack of access to information?  Yeah.  It wasn’t that.

Me: This show is boring

My Boss: Again, this is a Zoom conference.

 

Some old observations

·         I don’t have a beer belly, I have a wine waist

·         I haven’t tried Yoga, but I have tried bending over to pick something up, so I’m pretty sure I’d hate Yoga.

·         I really do need to get into shape.  If I was murdered now, my chalk outline would be a circle.

·         My bedtime is a couple of hours after I fall asleep on the sofa.

·         I no longer eat health food.  I need all the preservatives I can get.

·         Besides, the word ‘organic’ is from the Greek root ‘organous’ which means ‘over-priced.’

·         I’m getting so old my friends in heaven will think I didn’t make it.

·         My wild oat have become All-bran

·         I am not buying a planner for 2021 until I see a trailer; I was burned last year.

·         They have a new brand of pants for old guys that combine the comfort of Dockers with the protection of Depends.  They call them DryDockers.

·         I just spent 15 minutes looking for my phone in the car.  While using my phone as a flashlight

 

From a Seniors Only dating web site

It says here you prefer someone with regular bowel movements.  Does it matter if they are involuntary?

 

A woman of a certain age was asked, “At your ripe age would you prefer to get Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s? With hesitation she answered, Parkinson’s.  Better to spill half the wine than forget when I left the bottle.

~~~~~~~

 Reminds me of the old joke…a lady goes to a psychiatrist. He says, “What’s the problem?”

 She says, “People say I have a problem because I like buckwheat pancakes.”

 He says, “That’s not a problem!  I LOVE buckwheat pancakes”

 She says, “Great…would you like some?  I have four storage units filled with them.”

 

Sad News from Minnesota

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

 

And in conclusion it is good to remember that others have it worse than we do.

James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead. "Harry, Harry, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.

"Not so good," says Harry.

"Why, what happened?" James queries.

"Well," Harry says, "I just went bankrupt and I've still got to feed my family. I don't know what I'm going to do."

"Could have been worse," James replies calmly. "Could have been worse."

A month or so later, James again encounters Harry, in a restaurant. "And how are things now?" he asks.

"Terrible!" says Harry. "Our house burned down last night."

"Could have been worse," says James, again with total aplomb, and goes about his business.
A month later, James runs into Harry a third time. "Well, how goes it?" he inquires.

"Oh!" says Harry. "Things just get worse and worse. It's one tragedy after another! Now my wife has left me!"

Harry nods his head and gives his usual optimistic-seeming little smile, accompanied by his usual words: "Could've been worse."

This time, Harry grabs James by the shoulders. "Wait a minute!" he says. "I'm not gonna let you off so easy this time. Three times in the past few months we've run into one another, and every time I've told you the latest disaster in my life. Every time you say the same thing: 'Could have been worse.' This time, for God's sake, Harry, I want you to tell me: how in Heaven's name could it have been any worse?"
James looks at Harry with the same little wisp of a smile. "Could have been worse," he says. "Could have happened to me."