Rapid reposted JOW #1075

 

I get a lot of help with my jokes of the week from all of you.  I share a lot of them, or as they say in this electronic age, I repost them without shame, and solicit others for more fodder.  Enjoy

Dave sent me these one liners.  Now you'll know for sure you are a groan up
1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave
me a blank stare.
17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

 

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My neighbor came over on the first day and borrowed a hammer so he could replace his white picket fence. I watched as he took the pickets off one by one until they were all off and then he stood there looking confused. I went over and asked if he needed a hand. He said "No I'm alright, I'm just deciding whether to repost because this place hates reposts"

 

The difference between rural, suburban, and urban.

- If you stand naked on the front porch and the neighbors can't see you, it's rural.
- If you stand naked on the front porch and the neighbors call the cops, it's suburban.
- If you stand naked on the front porch and the neighbors ignore you, it's urban.

 

Random concepts

If your last name is Mann…. Should you name your kids Hugh, or Bat?  I think calling him Spider would be going too far.

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Him: I used to think correlation implied causation.   Then I took a statistics class.  Now I don’t.

Her.  Sound like the class helped.

Him: Well, maybe.

++++

One day, a financially successful father decides to take his son to the countryside to show him how poor some people are in contrast to them. The rich man wanted his son understand the value of things, and how lucky he was to live in a nice house in the city.
So they went to the countryside and spent one day and one night at his cousin’s simple countryside home. On the road back home, the father asked his son:
"So, what did you think of our trip?"
"It was great, Dad!"
"Did you see how poor some people are?"
"Yes."
"And so what did you see during the trip?"
"I saw that we have one dog, they have four. We have a pool at home, they live by a beautiful lake. The street lamps give us light in our garden, whereas they get the light of a million stars. Our backyard's ends at the fence, theirs as far as the eye can see. And finally, I saw they had the time to talk to each other. You and Mom work all day and I barely see you.  Thanks, Dad, for showing me how rich we could be.”

 

And finally

A rich, American man had bad luck with women and finally decided to find a mail order bride from overseas. She arrived a few weeks after his order was made, and they got married and lived happily in a rich Connecticut suburb.
Though the poor lady was not very proficient in English, she did manage to communicate with her husband with gestures mostly. The real problem arose whenever she had to go grocery shopping.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn’t know how to put forward her request. So in desperation, she clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn’t know how to tell the butcher. So she clucked like a chicken and cupped her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store . . .

Get your mind out of the gutter. Her husband spoke English.