Jammed UP JOW #1088

With everybody going back to work now traffic is once again thick.  Adding to this we are seeing a surge in ‘road rage’ incidents.  Speaking for myself, I don’t care what your race, religion, or political beliefs are; just use your turn signal.  But the traffic got me thinking about traffic jams and related jokes.

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Thought of this in traffic yesterday:  Women's underwear is a great example of how you can make something half-assed and it still become very successful.

Here are some traffic officer/motorist interactions.

 

- Look, Officer, I’m just saying that if you caught me speeding then you were obviously speeding, too.

 

-What am I supposed to do with this ticket?

Keep it, when you get four of them you get a bicycle.

 

-I thought you highway patrolmen didn’t give tickets to pretty girls.

We don’t.  Sign here.

 

Three related banana jokes

In a banana republic the traffic lights go from green to yellow to brown.

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What's the difference between a traffic light and a banana?

With a traffic light, green means go, yellow means wait, and red means stop.  Hmmmm….green means wait, yellow means go, and red means OH MY GOD, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR BANANA!?!

“”””

What do you call a group of cars playing instruments?

A Traffic Jam

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The best way to get back on your feet is miss a few car payments.

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A man is driving across town with his dog.

He sees a traffic light and begins to stop.
The dog says, "Why are you slowing down, the light's gray?"

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The trucks which transport the cream are causing so much traffic in the small town that the mayor holds a town hall meeting to find a solution. The residents eventually vote to move the cream by train.
So there was a local motion for mocha lotion locamotion.

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A cop stopped a guy for speeding...

He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," he replied.
He said, "There is no traffic."
And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."

^^^^^^

A traffic cop in a small town stopped a motorist for speeding.

"But Officer," said the driver, "I can explain-"
Save your excuses," said the cop. "You can cool your heels in jail till the chief gets back."
"But Officer..."
"Quiet!" snapped the cop. "You're going to jail the chief will deal with you when he gets back."
A few hours later the officer looks in at the prisoner.

"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. It means he'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," said the prisoner. "I'm the groom."

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Man: Judge, 60% of my traffic tickets are bogus!

Judge: Repeat infractions?
Man: Ok. 3/5 of my traffic tickets are bogus!

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A blonde had a flat tire on the interstate. So she eased her car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.
She took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn't believe it! They were dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
But to her surprise, cars started slowing down to look at the cardboard cutouts. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody tooted their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up.
He got out of his car and walked towards her. She could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire," she said calmly.
"Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

"Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!

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Paddy was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop at a busy intersection. The cop stopped the flow of all traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' When everyone had safely crossed the street, he would allow traffic to resume.
The officer had done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

And finally, another Irish joke

An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a number of years, his fame grew, and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to Milltown in County Clare to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo, and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request, he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; moreover, she was willing to pay up to 10,000 pounds.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition.

In a few minutes he returned. "The wife says it's okay. T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said. "I'll paint you in the nude alright, but I’ll have to leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."