Shy Retiring JoW #1086

My jokes are sent this week from the Outer Banks of North Carolina where I am on vacation.  I have noticed that there are a whole lot of older folks out on the beaches here.  I fit right in.  I am so old I have actually dialed on a rotary phone while listening to an 8-track tape.  Yes, back in my day, we didn’t watch TV while we ate dinner. We actually talked to each other. It was awful.  The only trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.  And retirement can be dangerous.  Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did.  In acknowledgement of the large and ever-growing number of retirees, here are some retirement-related jokes.

 

Retiree riddles

Why do retirees smile all the time?

Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying!

 

How do you know you’re old enough to retire?

Instead of lying about your age, you start bragging about it!

 

What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
There is not enough time to get everything done.

Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Tied shoes.

Why do retirees count pennies?
They are the only ones who have the time.

 

What do mathematicians call retirement?
Aftermath.

 

Where to retire is a pressing concern for some people.  You can retire in ....

Phoenix, Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.

2. You’ve experienced condensation on your ass from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that ‘dry heat’; is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open

your oven door.

6. The 4 four seasons are:tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

OR

You can retire to California where...

1. You make over $450,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.

2. You can learn how to eat an artichoke.

3. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

4.  The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...

1. You say, “The City” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ....

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to

Battery Park but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is ‘nature’.

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you

multi-lingual.

5. You’ve worn out your car horn. (IF you have a car).

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where...

1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.

3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and the Fourth of July.

OR

You can retire to Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $1500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.

OR

You can retire to the Nebraska where...

1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from heat to A/C on the same day.

OR FINALLY

You can retire to Florida where...

1. You eat dinner at 4:00 in the afternoon.

2. You can call that dinner ‘Happy Hour’ if alcohol is involved.

3. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.

Some non-retirement jokes

Need a new home for a dog. It is a small terrier that barks all the time. If interested, let me know and I will jump over my neighbor’s fence and get it for you.

>>>>>>>> 

This is the story of a young Seattle college student flying in the right seat of a small plane with an elderly pilot.

The pilot has a heart attack and dies. The young lady passenger frantically grabs the controls and the mike and calls out..... “May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! The pilot just had a heart attack and is dead and I don’t know how to fly. Someone help me!

She then hears a calming voice on the radio saying..... “This is Sea-Tac Air Traffic Control and I hear you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground.  I’ve had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath, stay calm, and everything will be fine. Now give me your height and position.”

The young blonde replies, “I’m 5 2” and I am sitting down.”;

There was a long pause and then the controller said, “O.K Now slowly repeat after me........

“Our Father, who art in Heaven.................”

 

And finally, a left-over pandemic joke

An old couple was presented with an alternative during the recent lockdown.

The administrator sat them down and explained their alternatives.

“I see you have been married for 50 years. We have two alternatives. Option 1 is that you go

into lockdown together. Option 2 is…..”

“I want Option 2.” Interrupted the wife urgently.