Gracefully (?) Aging JOW #1085

I am glad we don’t have to wear masks anymore.  In New York they have been so masked up for so long they are having ‘lower face reveal’ parties.  And I am sure banks and liquor stores are glad to be able lower their guard a bit every time a man wearing a mask walks in.  Besides, wearing a mask with a beard sort of looks like an ad for woman’s underwear in 1972. 

Despite that lead in on masks, my jokes this week have the theme of getting older.  Dick sent me some of these but I have lots of jokes about people getting older.  Here are a few:

 

I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my humor suggests I'm 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.  

Most people don't think I'm as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

 

I got myself a seniors' GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there.  I was so happy when I walked into a room the other day and knew why I was there.  It was the bathroom, but still….

You don't realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.  

 

I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.  

 

 My mind is like my internet browser: 19 tabs open, three of them are frozen and I have no idea where the music is coming from. 

I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.  

 

They say every piece of chocolate eaten shortens your life by two minutes. I've done the math. Seems I died in 1957.

 

Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.  

 

It's weird being the same age as old people.  

 

Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to operate a helicopter.  

 

It's probably my age that tricks people into thinking I'm an adult.  

Shifting gears

A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.  

 

If you can't think of a word say "I forgot the English word for it." That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.  

So if a cow doesn't produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?  

I’m so bored that I just memorized six pages of the dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.  

Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall. 
I thought to myself ‘That's a little condescending.’

People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full are missing the point. The glass is refillable.

‌‌I just discovered t‌‌hat t‌‌he w‌‌ord “‌‌nothing” is a‌‌ ‌‌palindrome… It spells “‌‌gnihton”, backward which also means nothing.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs.

Writing of which, my wife once bought an escalator.  She said it was marked down.

~~~~~~~~~

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, “We've got to give it back.”
Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
Sally said, “No.”
Jerry said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”
Sally said, “Don't believe him, he’s getting senile.”
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ......”
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

And finally, mercifully, my last joke

“Doctor, I think my wife is getting hard of hearing.”

“There’s a simple test you can run to see how bad the problem is: Start out 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone say something and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”

That evening, the man’s wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he’s in the living room. In a normal tone, he asks, “Honey, what’s for supper?”

No response.

So he moves to the other end of the room and repeats, “Honey, what’s for supper?” Still no response. Next, he moves into the dining room. “Honey, what’s for supper?” No response, so he walks up to the kitchen door. “Honey, what’s for supper?” Again, there is no response, so he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for supper?”

“For the fifth time, Harry, CHICKEN!”