Cheap Drunk JOW #1091

 I am up in Estes Park, Colorado, for a week or so to visit relatives.  It is merely coincidence that it is hot and humid back in Texas and sunny and 75 here in Estes Park.  One thing that is different from the Gulf Coast is that there is less air up here.  One noted side effect of the thin air is that you become a cheap drunk – you have to watch your alcohol intake.  This got me thinking about booze and its effects as a theme for my JOW.

Imagine this as a cheery TV advertisement.

Do you suffer from feelings of inadequacy?  Are you plagued with shyness?  Do you wish you could be more assertive?  If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your bartender about Tequila. 

Tequila may not be right for everyone.  Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use tequila.  However, women who would like to become pregnant should try tequila. 

Side effects can include giddiness, dizziness, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, headache, dehydration, dry mouth; a desire to play naked twister, truth or dare, and all-night strip poker.  Consumption of tequila may make you believe you are talking quietly when you are not, dance like a fool, tell your friends over and over that you love them and cause you think you can and should sing.  Tequila may make you think that ex-lovers are really dying for you to call them at 4 AM.  Tequila may lead to thinking you are smarter, stronger, and better looking than you actually are resulting in pregnancy or getting your ass kicked.

So what are you waiting for?  Stop hiding and start living with tequila!

……………………………………………..

Things that are difficult to say when you are drunk.

Cinnamon

Indubitably

Innovative

Preliminary

Proliferation

Things that are very difficult to say when you are drunk.

British Constitution

Loquacious

Passive-Aggressive disorder

Worcestershire

Things that are almost impossible to say when you are drunk.

No, thank you, I do not want to have sex.

No, thank you, no more alcohol for me

Oh, no, I couldn’t.  No one wants me to sing.

I don’t know how to dance.

I don’t think I can jump up on that table either.

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-Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does chocolate. 

- I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test... same thing.

- Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver.

- I realize I may not be everyone’s cup of tea. I’d rather be someone’s shot of Tequila anyway.

Some alcohol quotes:

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
– W.C. Fields

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
– Stephen Wright

The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober.
– William Butler Yeats

Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.
– Henry Lawson

To alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all our problems

– Homer Simpson

Some observations:

·         I saw a PETA sign with a cute little pig next to a puppy.  “Why love one and eat the other?”  The sign asked.  The obvious answer is my dog is not made of delicious bacon.

·         Money cannot buy happiness.  It can, however, rent it for a while.

·         If you help someone in trouble, they will remember you… when they are in trouble again.

·         Many people remain alive only because it is illegal to shoot them.

·         Forgive your enemy but remember his name.

·         I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.

·         Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time,” isn’t the correct response.

·         Don’t irritate old people. The older we get, the less “Life in prison” is a deterrent.

·         I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens. Give it a minute...

·         I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

·         Thoughts on getting old provided by Don.

·         I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.

·         It turns out that being an adult now is mostly just going on YouTube to see how to do stuff.

·         I miss the 90’s when bread was still good for you, and no one knew what kale was.

·         But if you take kale and put it in a well-oiled pan it slides into the trash more easily.

·         Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think “That can’t be accurate.”

·         I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

·         As I watch this new generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of....it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

And one final off-topic joke

After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small southern town decided he had been doing that long enough. He told his wife that from then on he’d let the local barber shave him each day.  The man went to the barbershop which was owned by the pastor of the local Baptist church. The barber’s wife, whose name was Grace, shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water. “That will be twenty dollars,” she said. The man thought the price was a bit high and wondered how he’d continue to foot such a bill, but he paid for the service and went off to work. The next morning, the man looked in the mirror and saw that his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before. Not bad, he thought. At least I don’t need to get a shave every day. The next morning, the man’s face was still smooth. Two weeks later, the man was still unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. He couldn’t understand it, so he returned to the barber shop.

“I thought twenty dollars was high for a shave,” he told the barber’s wife, “but you must have done a great job. It’s been two weeks and my whiskers still haven’t started growing back.”

The woman’s face showed no surprise. “Well, of course,” she said. “You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved.”