With the end of pandemic
shutdowns people are going out once again.
Some of those people will inevitably go to Las Vegas – you can bet on
it. This may come as a surprise to those
of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches there than
casinos. Not surprisingly, some
worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the
basket is passed. Since they get chips
from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the
offerings. The churches send all their
collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips
are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by the chip monks.
Good luck to all you gamblers.
A gambling quote:
Someone once asked me why
women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the common-sensical reply that
we don’t have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact,
women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.
~ Gloria Steinem
The Government’s position:
Gambling is addictive, morally wrong, and predatory, so we are outlawing it.
In unrelated news the
Powerball jackpot is $126 Million Dollars! Can't win if you don't play!
<<<<<
My friend’s gambling is
getting out of hand.
He's just bet his newborn
son in our game of poker.
I thought, "I might have to raise him."
~~~~
Gambling is like drugs
The dealer always wins
++++
Why can’t pirates play
cards? Because they’re standing on the deck!
‘’’’’’’
What has a heart and no
organs? A deck of cards!
``````
Why is the Dalai Lama
suffering from a gambling addiction?
Because he loves Tibet.
`````
Sign you might have a
poker addiction: your children are named Check and Raise.
>>>>>
Your best chance to get a
Royal Flush in a casino is in the bathroom.
~~~~~
Marriage is like a deck of
cards. All you need at first is two hearts and a diamond. But in the end, you
wish you had a club and spade.
=====
When I went to a casino, I
saw the most ridiculous sign....
"If you have a
gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."
I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number.
When they answered I said,
"I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"
++++
A compulsive gambler goes
to the butcher - "I bet you $500 you can't get the meat down from the top
shelf without a ladder"
The butcher says "I can't take that bet, the steaks are too high"
>>>>
My wife thinks I care more
about gambling than our kids.
That isn't true at all. I
am going to stay in this casino until I win our son's tuition back to prove it.
~~~~
An American won 2000
pounds gambling in Britain.
As he receives his
winnings, all he could say was: “That’s a ton of money”
****
Dieting hasn’t worked out
for me, so I’m gambling in the UK.
Great way to lose a few
pounds.
‘’’’
My wife got mad because I
lost $3,420 gambling. Jesus, woman! It's not even YOUR money...
Anymore.
>>>>>
Husband Comes Home After
Gambling
“Where the fuck have you been?” screamed his
wife.
“I’ve been playing poker with some blokes.”
“Playing poker with some
blokes?” she repeated. “Well, you can pack your bags and go!”
“So can you,” he said.
“This isn’t our house anymore.”
--------
Bettor: My god, I had a
terrible day today. I lost 15 out of 15 in college football, I lost 8 out of 8
in baseball and I lost 6 out of 6 in soccer. I don’t know what I am going to
do.
Friend: Well there’s hockey games starting soon.
Bettor: I don’t know anything about hockey.
+++++++++
My Girlfriend has broken
up with me over my chronic gambling addiction. I am desperate to win her back.
=====
Nintendo is making a new
game about gambling monsters.
It's called Pokermon.
>>>>>>>>>>>
My friend came back from
Las Vegas once. He told me its easy to win big. He went to town in a $20,000
Nissan, left in a $360,000 Porsche.
I thought "nice, I'm going to get in on that." So I left for Vegas in
my $30,000 Toyota. Came back in a $800,000 vehicle.
A Greyhound bus.
####
One night, a priest, a
preacher, and a rabbi are having a game of poker when the cops suddenly bust
down their door and arrest them all on the spot. They are immediately taken
before a judge who tells them "Look, it's late and I don't want to send
three holy men to jail, so if you can give me a good reason as to why you
weren't gambling, I'll let you go".
The priest is the first to step forward and tells the judge "We weren't
gambling because no money had changed hands yet".
The judge decides that
this is a good enough answer and lets the man go.
The preacher goes next and
says "We weren't because we hadn't even dealt the cards yet". Again the
judge lets him go.
With just the rabbi left, the judge says "And finally for you. Can you
give me a good reason why you weren't gambling"?
The rabbi gestures around
the courtroom, empty except for the two of them and asks "Gambling? With
who"?
Which reminds me of my
final off-topic joke
A priest, a minister and a
rabbi are discussing when life begins. The priests says, “It begins at
conception”. The minister says, “Life begins at 24 weeks gestation”. The rabbi
says, “You are both wrong, Life begins when the kids are accepted into medical
school
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