Dino JOW #1099

 I have always had a thing for dinosaurs.  As a little kid I wanted to be a paleontologist.  Although I drifted away from that goal, the fascination remained.  My jokes this week sort of have a dinosaur theme.  But before we start on those - 

Remember those Murder Hornets back at the start of the pandemic in 2020?  What happened to them?  I think they looked around at the US in 2020 and collectively said, ‘Nope.  Later dudes.

Paleontologists recently discovered a dinosaur that was so ugly they had to call it ‘Eye Saur’

 

There is a dinosaur in the British museum that is 3 million and 24 years old.  I know it exactly because when I visited it 24 years ago, it was 3 million years old.

 

What do you say to a 10-ton dinosaur wearing ear buds?
Whatever you want. He can't hear you.

 

Which dinosaur is the worst driver?

T-Wrecks

 

What do you call a dinosaur with a great vocabulary?

A thesaurus

 

What kind of dinosaur is always quick to arrive?

A pronto-saurus

 

My friends think that your name represents what you should do in life. Dina worked to find a dinosaur fossil, Chip is a carpenter, and Jack became a lumberjack,

We don’t talk about Cliff.

 

I asked the librarian if she knew who authored any books on dinosaurs.

She said, "Try Sarah Topps."

 

Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today.

Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures, I discovered a new species: Myneckisaur.

 

A dinosaur, a spider, and a cowboy walk into a bar

All three sit at the bar and begin drinking heavily, clearly distressed. The bartender asks them what their troubles are.
The Cowboy takes a shot, then says "my horse got loose, ran into traffic, and got hit by a semi-truck carrying gasoline. Cause a whole big explosion and blew my poor horse to bits." The spider nods sympathetically. "I just lost my husband in that same fire. The driver found him, freaked out, and crashed trying to squash my dear hubby."
The bartender is in shock, but finally asks the dinosaur his story.
The dinosaur sniffed, took a sip from his straw, and said "My whole family was on that truck"

 

A paleontologist was trying to figure out what era a newly-discovered dinosaur was from.

He realized that it didn't have three anuses so he ruled out the Triassic period.

 

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet.

 

Which reminded me of this

A new employee at a resort was being given instructions on procedures for a big multiple wedding event.  After each couple was married they would be checked into the hotel. 

“Be sure that you do not count unmarried couples as checked in until after their ceremony.”

“Why not?” asked the newbie.

“Because you shouldn’t count your check-ins until they are hitched.”

 

"Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?" I asked.

She was silent, like the ‘p’ in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

 

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?  Because the ‘p’ is silent.

 

Spelling ptournaments were pterribly ptroubling for both Pteenage Pterodactyls and their pteachers.

Some non-dinosaur jokes

A reedy little man walks into a bar and sits down next to this large hulking guy watching a hockey game.  Wanting the make conversation the looks up at the game and remarks to the big guy that Hockey in fine but it is from Canada.

Then he says, “Everyone I have met from Canada has either been a hooker or hockey player.” 

The big guy glowers down at him and says, “My wife is Canadian.”

The little guy immediately replies, “What team does she play for?”

 

Tor reminded me of this one.

A man approached a grocery store employee in the produce section and asked for half a head of cabbage.

“Excuse me, let me check,” said the produce guy and went back to the office, not noticing that the customer was following him.

“Hey, boss,” said the man to the manager, “some asshole out there wants to buy half a head of cabbage.” And noticing the customer is right behind him, continued, “And this gentleman wants to buy the other half.”

And finally
Two Men Are Lying in Hospital Beds.  One with his leg in a large cast the other with a bandage on his head and his arm in a sling
They get talking and the first man asks the second how he ending up in hospital
“Well” says the second “it’s a long story. I came home from work to find my wife in bed with another man, the red mist descended and I started chasing the man round the bedroom, suddenly he jumps out the window and lands on his leg in quite a painful looking way, great I think now he’ll be easy to catch, so I run down stairs but as I’m about to reach the bottom I slip, miss three steps, bang my head against the wall and break my arm.  Next thing I know a paramedic is having a look at me and the man is gone. Now I have a broken arm, blurry vision and a massive concussion.  But if I ever catch that guy I’ll beat him to an in inch of his life.”
He turned groggily over to the first man and asks “Anyway what are you in for?”
The other man looks nervous gulps and then says “ummmm, uhhh…. Appendix transplant?”