As some of you are aware
Ruth recently became ill. Although
apparently not Covid-related, she was sick enough to have to go to the hospital,
where they are keeping her comfortable and making her well. When you are admitted to the hospital for a
procedure, they give you a little bracelet.
It doesn’t have rubies and diamonds, but it costs just as much. While I wait for her to be released from
hospital, my mind turned naturally to the concept of the healing arts. Here are a few jokes about a serious subject.
****
How many doctors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and
one to bill it all to Medicare.
This one is personal
A man goes to the doctors
and says, “Doctor, I think I’m going deaf!”
And the doctor says, “Can you describe the symptoms?”
The man responds, “Yes, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.
>>>
A mother complained to her
consultant about her daughter's strange eating habits.
"All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen
to her?"
"Eventually," said the consultant, "she will rise and
shine."
=====
My dermatologist was fired
today.
I’m told he made too many rash decisions.
<<<<
A sign on a cosmetic surgery clinics:
"If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can give you melons."
++++
A neurologist received a
page. When he replied and introduced
himself as the on-call neurologist, the nurse at the other end exclaimed: "Neurology?
I wanted Urology. I got the wrong end!"
~~~~
A group of physicians are
duck hunting. The surgeon spots a duck flying from the marsh, aims his rifle,
shoots the duck in one shot, and turns to the others and says "I just shot
myself a duck."
The intern sees a duck,
aims his rifle, leads the duck with his first shot, lags it with his next shot,
and hits with his third. He turns to the group and says, "It was too small
for a condor, too big for a sparrow. I think that it was probably a duck."
The radiologist sees a
duck, aims a shotgun, hits the duck, and turns to the group. He states "I
just hit a flying animal. It may be a duck, pheasant, or quail. Possible flying
squirrel. I cannot exclude a pterodactyl at this point. I think I should shoot
it again, but with a scoped rifle."
The emergency physician
spots a duck flying the marsh and brings out a huge, semi-automatic shotgun,
unloading a dozen rounds into the air. After the tremendous noise ceases, the
intern uncovers his ears and shouts, "What the hell was that?"
The emergency physicians
turns around and says, "I have no idea, but I'm pretty sure that I hit
it."
Some funny
one-liners, exactly as typed by medical secretaries:
·
Patient has left
her white blood cells at another hospital.
·
Patient has chest
pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
·
On the second day
the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
·
The patient has
been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
·
Discharge status:
Alive, but without my permission.
·
Patient had
waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
·
While in ER, Eva
was examined, x-rated and sent home.
·
Skin: somewhat
pale, but present.
·
Patient has two
teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
·
The patient was
in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and
crashed.
·
Mrs. Evans
slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early
December.
·
Patient was seen
in consultation by Dr. Jones, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I
agree.
·
The patient
refused autopsy.
·
The patient has
no previous history of suicides.
·
She is numb from
her toes down.
·
She stated that
she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
·
Both breasts are
equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
·
Examination of
genitalia has revealed that he is circus-sized.
·
Patient was found
in bed with her power mower.
·
She has no rigors
or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.
Some medical definitions
Artery: The study of fine
paintings
Bacteria: Back door to
cafeteria
Barium: What they do when patients die
Cauterize: Made eye
contact with her
Coma: A punctuation mark.
D&C: Where Washington
is
Enema: Not a friend
ER: The things on your head that you hear with
Fester: Quicker than
someone else
Genes: Blue denim slacks
G.I. Series: World Series of military baseball
Hemorrhoid: A male from
outer space
Impotent: Distinguished,
well-known
Medical Staff: A doctor's
cane
Morbid: A higher offer than I bid
Nitrates: Cheaper than day
rates
Organ Transplant: What you
do to your piano when you move
Outpatient: A person who has fainted
Pap Smear: Making fun of
Dad
Pathological: A reasonable way to go
Pharmacist: Person who makes a living dealing in agriculture
Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative: A letter carrier
Recovery Room: Place to do
upholstery
Red Blood Count: Dracula
Secretion: Hiding
something
Seizure: Roman Emperor
Terminal Illness: Getting
sick at the airport.
Thorax: A Dr. Seuss character
Tumor: More than one, an extra pair
Varicose: Near by/close by
Vein: Conceited
And finally
A man returned to the U.S.
after a trip abroad feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is
immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. The
man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by
his bed rings.
“This is your doctor. We’ve got the results back from your tests, and we’ve
found you have an extremely dangerous new virus that is extremely contagious!”
“Oh my gosh,” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. “What are you going to do,
Doctor?”
“Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and quesadillas.”
“Will that cure me?” asked the man hopefully.
The doctor replied, “No… but it’s the only food we can get under the door. But I do have some good news for you. They’re going to name the disease after you.”
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