My Jokes are a little late this week because I have been on vacation. How do you have a vacation from being retired? Simple, go somewhere else to do nothing. In this case we are in Marble Falls, Texas in the Hill Country enjoying the scenery and lower humidity.
My jokes this week are about differences in the generations.
As I watch this generation trying to rewrite history, one thing I am sure of… it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
Every generation thinks the next one is not as good or hard working. I'm not sure that's true, but we'll see what those lazy, freeloading teenagers think of the generation after them.
I, myself, am from the Stone age. That’s Rolling Stones.
Remember when people had diaries and got mad when someone read about their private lives? Now they put their private lives online and get mad when people don’t read them.
I had a joke for Generation Z about Social Security. But they're probably not going to get it.
A whole generation will only know Billy Ray Cyrus for “Old Town Road”. And that breaks my heart. My achy breaky heart.
If you can’t find your children, turn off the Wi-Fi. If they are in the house, they will come out immediately. Your neighbors may even come by.
Get back at the new generation. Put them in a room with a rotary phone, an analog clock, and a TV with no remote. The write the directions in cursive.
Most people just write Congrats these days because they don’t know how to spell congrajulasions.
I once asked my dad what his parents' generation did to cure boredom before internet and TV existed.
Neither him nor his eight siblings had an answer.
What do you call a bed that gets passed down through generations?
An heir mattress
Generation Z is best known for being hard-working ...within the Minecraft community
This pandemic has given a whole generation the time to work on their hobbies and become very skillful at them...too bad these hobbies consist mostly of drinking and drugs.
People always ask me how I know where all of the millennials’ money went - It's in tuition.
Some thoughts on aging
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say: "close enough.”
Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.
I'm a multitasker. I can listen, ignore, and forget all at the same time!
Went to an antique show and people were bidding on me.
I won't say I'm worn out, but I don't get near the curb on trash day.
Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.
Losing weight doesn't seem to be working for me, so from now I'm going to concentrate on getting taller.
Millennials have an answer:
They always talk about how much my generation
depends on technology, and my grandfather always mentions it whenever I visit
them, so then I replied, “no, your generation depends too much on technology.”
Then I unplugged his life support.
Dick provided me with this lovely story which will end my themed jokes
To commemorate her birthday, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used:
*Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,* *Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,* *Bundles of magazines tied up in string,* *_These are a few of my favorite things_*
*Cadillacs and cataracts, * *hearing aids and glasses,* *Polydent and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,* *Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,*
*_These are a few of my favorite things._*
*When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,* *When the knees go bad,* *I simply remember my* *favorite things,* *And then I don't feel so bad.*
*Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,* *No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,* *Bathrobes and heating* *pads and hot meals they bring,*
*_These are a few of my favorite things._*
*Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',* *Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',* *And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,*
*_When we remember our favorite things._*
*When the joints ache, When the hips break,*
*When the eyes grow dim,*
*Then I remember the great life I've had,*
*And then I don't feel so bad.*
>>>>>>>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>
Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.
And finally, a joke that combines ‘Me Too’ with a little politics
There were once two people. Hem and Ep.
One day, they came across a wizard. After a lot of bargaining, the wizard
agreed to grant them each one wish. Ep requested a loving family. Ep was
granted a rebellious teen daughter, a wife, and a young son. Hem requested
ownership of a toy factory with elf workers that he will treat as friends.
A few months later, Ep’s daughter and her boyfriend visited Hem’s toy factory
to assist with marketing strategies, as she knew the current generation best.
During her visit, an elf fell in love with her. The elf tried to ask her out.
She declined. Defeated, he went back to his job. Suddenly, a soda can, thrown
by Ep’s daughter as a joke, hit the elf, who collapsed. Ep’s daughter and her
boyfriend, who were terrified at the thought that she may have killed the elf.
They disposed of the body, not knowing that the elf was still barely alive. A
camera caught the entire scene.
A few months later, Ep’s daughter was called into court. The elf’s friends
believed she was the murderer because she may have felt threatened by the elf.
After a bit of questioning, the judge concluded one thing.
Ep’s teen didn’t kill Hem’s elf.
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