Ruth is back home and recovering nicely from her recent illness. However, I still have a lot of jokes about doctors and drugs and other medical jokes and memes left over, so I thought I would share them with you before they go bad… or worse.
*****
What do drugs have in
common with cheese jokes?
I don't know, I just like
meth and feta memes.
What do you call a joke
about drugs? A ketameme
Caveman discovers weed.
Caveman discovers fire.
Stone Age begins.
We have a new medical explanation
for the extinction of the dinosaurs: The extinction may well have occurred when
a steroid hit the Earth.
----
How do you fix a broken
baboon?
With a monkey wrench.
````
What sounds like a sneeze
and is made out of leather?
A shoe!
>>>
Ask your doctor if a drug
with 32 pages of side effects is right for you.
<<<<
Flossing is good for your
overall health. Flossing your cat is
not.
----
An infectious disease
clinic is the only place where ‘being positive’ is a negative.
^^^
What’s the difference between
a General Practitioner and a Specialist? One treats what you have and the other
thinks you have what he treats.
***
A man walked into urgent
care groaning and holding his stomach. “Help me, he groaned, “I ate something
that disagrees with me.”
And a little voice from his belly said, “No you haven’t”
++++
“I’ve swallowed a golf
ball.”
The doctor said, “Yes, I can see it’s gone down a fairway.”
^^^^^
The man told his doctor
that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, “I can take it. Tell me in plain
English what is wrong with me.”
“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”
“OK,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
=====
A guy walks past a mental
hospital and hears a moaning voice "... 13 ... 13 ... 13 ..."
The man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked
through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned
"... 14 ... 14 ... 14 ..."
A man has a heart attack
and is brought to the hospital emergency room. The doctor tells him that he
will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs
into the room and says, "You’re in luck, two hearts just became available,
so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to a lawyer and the
other to a social worker".
The man quickly responds, "The lawyer's".
The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before
you make your decision?"
The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are
bleeding hearts and the lawyer's probably never used his. So I'll take the
attorney's!"
The doctor stood by the
bedside of a very sick patient and said, “I cannot hide the fact that you are
very ill; I do not think I can cure you. Is there anyone you would like to
see?”
“Yes,” replied the patient faintly. “Another doctor.”
A young job applicant was
being interviewed for an entry-level position. His prospective boss asked,
"Are you a smoker?"
"Not even a
little," said the young man.
"How about alcoholic
beverages?"
"Never touch
'em," he replied.
The boss smiled and asked,
"So you don't have any vices?"
"Well, I do have
one," he admitted.
“And what would that
be?" the boss asked.
"I lie."
A very angry woman stormed
up to the receptionist’s desk at a doctor’s office.
“Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday,” she complained.
The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. “I assure you that no one on my
staff would have done such a thing,” he said. “Why do you think it was taken
here?”
“After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and
ugly.”
“I think,” explained the surgeon gently, “that means your cataract operation
was a success.”
The sweet little old lady
was working at the hospital when she fell into conversation with another
volunteer.
“When I’m not volunteering
at the hospital, I clean up violent crime scenes.”
“That must be difficult,
sympathized her co-worker.
“Yes, it is,” replied the
old lady. “I think I am getting to old
to drag bodies into shallow graves.”
++++
Did you hear why Cyclops had to close his school?
He only had one pupil.
~~~~
My boss doesn't believe
money equals happiness. So instead of raises, he gives us Prozac.
Understand your anger with
me but what do you have against the horse I rode in on? - Tor
My friend keeps saying
“cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full
of water.”
I know he means well.
Common sense is not a
gift. It's a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn't have
it.
And finally
A man was brought to a
hospital emergency room. The doctor took
some X-rays of a trauma patient and took the results to the senior radiologist,
who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis. 'What on earth
happened to this patient?' he asked in astonishment.
'He fell out of a tree,'
according to the report.
The radiologist wanted to
know what the patient was doing up a tree.
'I'm not sure, but his
paperwork states he works for Mark's Expert Tree Pruning Service.'
Gazing intently at the
X-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, 'Cross out 'expert.'
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