New York, New York? JOW #1103

You hear lots about how the quality of life in big cities like New York is going downhill.  But New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time – most of the time unsolved.  But there is humor in everything.  Here are some New York jokes for your amusement.

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New York City tried to hold a nice New Year's Eve party.

But they dropped the ball.

 

Did you know you're 10 times more likely to be robbed in your home town than in New York City?

That's because you don't live in New York City

 

I just read that someone gets stabbed in New York City every 46 seconds.

Poor guy.

 

North Korea now has a missile that can reach New York City, and I think that's really scary.

If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

 

Scene from a NYC courtroom:
“Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."
The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?  Say something."
The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"

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"According to a new report, Nigeria owes New York City over $500,000 in unpaid parking tickets for its foreign diplomats. Nigeria apologized and said they'll pay the fines right away if they we send them our bank account number, our PIN, and our mother's maiden name." 

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According to the Centers for Disease Control, the largest single transmission of deadly germs is a handshake. You're lucky, because the most popular form of greeting in New York is the middle finger.

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In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually serve beer. You can even get a beer with your happy meal.  A German tourist walked into a McDonald's in New York City and ordered a beer. The New Yorker the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!"

The German fellow turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begins to laugh.
"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.
"Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food while sober."

 

NYC will undoubtedly be the last holdout for taxi cabs.  Here are some NYC cab jokes.

 

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

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A naked, clearly inebriated woman jumps into the back of a NYC taxi cab...

The old cab driver, opened his eyes wide and began to stare at her but made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman said “What's wrong, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old cabbie says, “Let me tell you something lady, I wasn't staring at you like you think. That wouldn't be proper.”
The woman responded "What are you doing then?"
He paused for a moment and said "Well, miss, I'm just trying to figure out where you're keeping the money to pay for this ride"

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An Israeli tourist on a visit to New York City hires a cab to drive him around the sights.

He engages the driver in small talk to get better acquainted.
"Where are you from?" he asks.
"I'm from Palestine" says the cab driver proudly, "and you?
"I'm from Narnia."
"Bullshit, that place doesn't exist" says the cab driver.
"Well, you started it" says the Israeli.

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An elderly priest dies and goes to heaven.

He soon finds himself in a line of souls going to St. Peter to enter heaven. In no time at all there's only one person in front of him.
St Peter tells the man "ah yes, state your name and occupation"
The man replies " Will Snikket, taxi driver in New York City"
St Peter looks at his list for a moment and says "yes, take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord"
The priest is next, St Peter asks him " your name and occupation"
"Father Samuel, minister of the church of God", the priest eagerly replies.
After perusing his list for a moment St Peter looks at the priest and says " very well, take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord"
At hearing this the priest is indignant, " what, but I've been faithfully serving the lord all my life, why did that taxi driver get such amazing treatment compared to me".
St Peter stares silently at the priest. Finally he replies, " my child, up here we work by results. While you preached people slept, but while he drove, people prayed".

And finally.

Three men one from Florida, one from Texas, and one from New York all die and go to hell

When they get there they see a big red phone and they asked Satan what it's for, he says it's for calling earth but it's super expensive.

The man from Texas says "Great I would love to call my hometown in Dallas" he talks for 30 minutes hours and Satan charges him half a million dollars.

The man from Florida says he would love to call his hometown in Miami Beach so he calls and speaks for an hour and Satan charges him a million.

The man from New York says he would love to call his hometown in ,o he calls and speaks for three hours and Satan charges him three dollars.
Enraged the men from Texas and Florida ask Satan why it was so cheap for a call to New York?
“Well”, says Satan, “ever since Mayor de Blasio got elected and New York went to hell - it's a local call.”