Good Old JOW #1112

 I love Dad jokes – obviously.  When I lived in New Mexico there are bridges over dried riverbeds.  I kept telling my kids we were going from one ex-stream to another.  I have lots of old dad jokes.  Here are a few of them.

>>>>>> 

After being unhappy for many years a woman came to her son and said she was going to get a sex change operation. The son didn't fully understand but he was very supportive throughout the whole operation; then he came home.
That's when it all started, all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, the son realized something and confronted him.
"Did you seriously just have a sex change operation just so you could do dad jokes?!"

He replied, "Oh you can see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."

 

What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

 

What do you call a 3.14 long sea raider?

A πrate.

 

How Long is a Chinese name.

It's not a question.

 

How does a computer nerd refresh after a long day?  He pushes F5

 

If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your....

Space x.

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A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked.
"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need ten bucks, just lend me ten bucks!!"
"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.
"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need five bucks. Lend me five bucks please if you can."
I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.
"I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg appears to be broke in three places."

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At the Olympics a man walked up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole.

"Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?"
"Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"

^^^^^^

Gas stations now have a fee to fill the tires. Why do they charge for AIR?
"Inflation"

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Inflation is like alcoholism.  The bad effects come later. – Milton Friedman

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I was in a long McDonald's drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

Take the high road, I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.
The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.
Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over.
Don't honk your horn at old people.

 

And finally, I end with an off-topic joke.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."
Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden is my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 10 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."
The man can't believe it.
"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each other’s' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavilion!"
Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. I love prunes, you're eating a prune; this has got to be fate. Do you want to go get some coffee?"
The man shakes his head, puts down his fruit and responds,
*"It's a date!"*