The full power of the holidays are upon us. We have much to be grateful for – we are mostly healthy at the moment, as are our loved ones. Gas is edging back down from almost $3 a gallon. Our world is mostly at peace. We have enough money and plans for the future. Who could wish for more than that? Okay, lots of people, but they are mostly wrong. I hope your Christmas is full of fun and family (and good luck combining those two). Merry Christmas.
One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go
Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in
mid-December.
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping
season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men
is Christmas Eve.
Of course some people get depressed at Christmas. Some people are even afraid of Christmas –
this is called Claustraphobia.
Some Christmas riddles.
Q: What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
A: A rebel without a Claus.
Q: What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
A: Saint Nickel-less.
Q: How do you find the value of taking Yule the the xth
power?
A: You take the yule log
Q: What happened to the thief who stole a Christmas
calendar?
A: He got twelve months
When gingerbread men go to sleep do they use cookie
sheets?
How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and
the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend that all I wanted
was game console. That’s it. Beginning and end of list: Game console. You know
what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date
together. Which was fine. Because I got her a game console..
Scene: A man applying for credit at a department
store.
Clerk: What do you do for a living?
Man: I’m a tree trimmer.
Clerk: What do you do after Christmas?
Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the
town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some
cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators,
and soon the squirrels were back. The hardware store humanely trapped the
squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels
climbed back in. Only the church came up with an effective solution. They
baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on
Christmas and Easter.
And I should include some seasonal Hanukkah jokes…
even though it is over now.
Some people think it is tough to spell Hanukkah. No problem.
There are so many different types of spelling of that holiday you can
just fake it. Sort of like the word, ‘Catsup’.
Or is it Ketchup?
++++++
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for
Hanukkah.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of
his says, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”
“She did,” he replies. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”
========
A Jewish guy's mother gives him two sweaters for Hanukkah.
The next time he visits her, he makes sure to wear one. As he walks into the
house, his mother frowns and asks, "What – you didn't like the other
one?"
One Hanukkah, a Jewish husband said to his wife, “I think
there’s something wrong with these latkes, dear. They taste awful.”
His wife replied, “That shows you what you know. The
recipe book says they’re delicious.”
It was Hanukkah and the tiny Hungarian village was afraid
they may not have any latkes because they’d run out of flour.
Rudi, the Rabbi, was called upon to help solve the
problem.
He said, “Don’t worry, you can substitute matzo meal for
the flour, and the latkes will be just as delicious.”
A woman looks doubtfully at her husband and asks him,
“Samuel, do you think it’ll work?”
“Of course,” Samuel replies, “Everybody knows Rudolph the
Rab knows grain, dear.”
Some non-Holiday jokes
Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is
a terrible thing to garbage.
During a recent password audit, it was found that a
blonde was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at
least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
And finally
A fellow was walking along a country road when he came
upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer "How
long will it take me to get to the next town?"
The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then
started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer
yelled out "About 20 minutes.
Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"
Didn't know how fast you could walk".
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