Infantile JOW #1111

 

This is JOW #1111.  That is a lot of ones.  Then I get to thinking about onesies which led to infants.  I know most of my jokes are childish – my jokes tend to be ‘Dad jokes’ which are really at a 3^th grader level.  I, however, am always ready to go lower.  Thus my jokes this week are about the little ones, you know, kid-lets.   I hope you enjoy them.

^^^^^

Why do we dress babies in onesies?
Because they can’t dress themselves.

 

What do you call a boat that just got a baby dinghy?
A mother ship.

What do you call a newborn baby?
Anything you want.

A lady tells the nurse at a maternity hospital, “I want to call my little baby Ellie.”
The nurse replies, “I’m sorry, but that name is already taken. Perhaps you can consider naming her Ellie532 or Ellie_153.”

 

Baby Yoda’s first word probably came after his second word.

 

When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn’t have teddy bears.  He had real bears.

There is a well-known sleeping disorder.  It’s called children

 

Children who go to bed early get up early.

Children who go to bed late get up early.

 

When you start a kid on solid food it is like having a blender with no top.

 

Shower schizophrenia.  The belief you can her a child crying while you’re trying to take a shower

 

Cleaning with children in the house is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.

 

Silence is golden.  Unless you have young children.  Then it is a warning.

 

Then there was the new father.  His wife sent him out to get a baby monitor.  He came back with a young lizard.

 

Have you heard of the pregnant bed bug?
She’s going to have her baby in the spring.

 

The maternity nurse told the parents of a newborn, “You have a cute baby.”
The smiling husband said, “I bet you say that to all the new parents.”
“No,” she replied. “Just to those whose babies really are good-looking.”
The husband asked, “So, what do you say to the others?”
The nurse replied, “The baby looks just like you.”

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When a women found out that she was pregnant, she lit up the phone telling everyone the good news. One day, she took her four year old son, Sam, out shopping. A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby. "Yes," he said. "I know what we're going to name it. If it is a girl, we're calling her Molly and if it is a boy, we're going to call it Quits."

 

Little Johnny’s new baby brother was screaming up a storm.
He asked his mom, “Where’d we get him?”
His mother replied, “He came from heaven, Johnny.”
Johnny exclaimed, “Wow… I can see why they threw him out!”

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One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands, so the proud father stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of, but the baby just wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to a neighbor. After she listened to all the father had done to get the baby to stop crying, the neighbor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When she opened the diaper, he found was i full. "Here's the problem," she explained.

"He just needs to be changed."

The perplexed father remarked, "But the diaper package specifically says it's good for up to 10 pounds!"

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A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks, "Dad, am I pure polar bear?" The dad replies, "Sure you are son.
I'm all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear." Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, "Mom, am I pure polar bear?" She answers, "Of course you are honey.
I'm all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear." Still not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks, "Grandmom...Grandpop...am I all polar bear?" His grandmother answers, "Of course you are sweetie.
We're all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear.
Why do you ask sweetie?" The baby polar bears replies, "Because I'm f‘ing freezing!"

 

Enough with the baby humor

Kid: I feel like you make up rules and stuff.

Parent: Like what?

Kid: Like if I don’t clean up my room a portal will open and take me to another dimension and no one will ever know I existed?

Parent: Well that’s what happened to your older brother.

Kid: What older brother?

Parent: Exactly

 

Without freedom of speech we would not know who the idiots are.

 

Being a little older, I am very fortunate to have someone to call and check on my every day.  He is from India and is very concerned about my car warranty.

 

Two old men are talking. 

One says, if you had to give up either wine or women which would you chose?”

“Depends on the year.”

 

The old doctor looked at his patient and said, “I am very concerned.  Mercury is in Uranus.”

“Gosh doc, I didn’t think you went in for that astrology stuff.”

“I don’t.  My rectal thermometer just broke.”

 

And finally from Tor

Yesterday I tried donating blood. I'll never do that again.

Too many stupid, intrusive questions, like…

Whose blood is it?

Where did it come from?

Why is it in a bucket?