Shy, retiring JOW #1114

 

It is sort of a shock to think of myself as old but I have been retired for twelve years. I am so old I have actually dialed on a rotary phone while listening to an 8 track tape.  I now consider adult situation warnings to mean high blood pressure, osteoporosis, and incontinence.  So here are a few bits of humor about retirees.  When I was young and living in St. Petersburg everyone wanted to retire somewhere warm.  Now I want to retire somewhere where you don’t have to run the A/C in late December, walk the dog in shorts and tee shirts and still get sweaty in the cloying heat and humidity.  I like The Woodlands, but this hot weather is just weird. 

 

What makes a man age?

A manager

 

What do you call a worker who is of retirement age, hates his job, and refuses to retire?

Flat broke!

 

How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but it will take him two or three days to complete the job.

 

What do you call the terminator who has retired?

The Exterminator

 

My work offered to fund my retirement account exclusively in clear soups.

I'm the first person to have a Broth IRA.

 

Back in my day, we didn’t mess with our phones while we ate dinner. We actually talked to each other. It was awful.

 

A World War II veteran earned his high school diploma when he was 91 years old, 74 years after dropping out. When asked what happens next, he said: “College girls.”

 

Girl: My grandfather was remarkable.  He lived for 96 years and never used glasses.

Boy: Yeah I know. Few people drink directly from the bottle.

 

I hear there are gangs at retirement villages.

The blood clots and the cripples.

 

What is so special about the age 65?

It is the time when one acquires sufficient experience to lose one’s job through forced retirement.

 

And speaking of retirement, you have your choices:

You can retire in Phoenix, Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.

2. You've experienced condensation on your ass from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

OR

You can retire to California where...

1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

2. You can get into an argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is "nature."

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car).

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where...

1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.

3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.

6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different, she is different, or It was different!

OR

You can retire to Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $1500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to the Nebraska where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

 

A retired man who volunteered to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals.  He told jokes and sang some funny songs at patients’ bedsides. When he finished his performance to one old man he said in farewell, “I hope you get better.”

The elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.”

And finally

After retirement, Bob aged 65 married a young 25 year old woman..

Now he was spending less time with his friends. His concerned friends enquired if there was a problem.
“I'm eager to meet you all, but my young wife gets lonely when I'm away.”
His friends advised him: Keep a young lodger at home, your wife will be happy in the company of a younger person.
Bob promptly acted on their advice and leased a room in his big house to a young tenant.
Now the friends were meeting more often. One day the friends jokingly asked, “How is your wife now?”
Bob: "She seems very satisfied; in fact, she is now pregnant"
The friends laughed, as they expected this. “And how is the tenant?” they asked.
Bob hung his head and replied very soberly “She’s pregnant, too.”
*Never underestimate a Senior Citizen*