I am still writing books. Recently, I decided to kill off some
characters in the book I am writing. It should definitely spice up my autobiography.
Actually I accidentally glued myself to my autobiography. Believe it or not, that’s my story, and I’m
sticking to it. My jokes this week reflect my
recent experience at being old and fat.
My friend Tor tried
calling the Tinnitus helpline. No answer. Just kept ringing.
This pandemic crisis seems
like two years ago. There is a simple
explanation: 2022 is 2020 too.
Some good old life
lessons from Dick
·
At this point in
my life, "drinking responsibly" means don't spill it.
·
Age 60 might be
the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
·
It's the start of
a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
·
The older I get,
the earlier it gets late.
·
When I say,
"The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday
and 15 years ago.
·
I remember being
able to get up without making sound effects
·
I had my patience
tested. I'm negative.
·
Remember, if you
lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit
any of your containers.
·
When you ask me
what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am
free. It means I am doing nothing.
·
I finally got
eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
·
These days, I run
like the winded.
·
When someone asks
what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you
hear?"
·
When you do
squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can
stuffed with celery?
·
Don't bother
walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head.
That'll freak you right out.
·
My luck is like a
bald guy who just won a comb.
Lately I have been looking
in the mirror and asking myself: Does this body make me look fat? Who knew 40
years of neglect would have repercussions?
===
This chef on TV just said,
“Where there’s fat, there’s flavor”. I know he was talking about food, but I
still took it as a compliment.”
+++
You are what you eat. So,
you should really give up the nuts.
```
A friend of mine had
resisted efforts to get him to run with our jogging group until his doctor told
him he had to exercise. Soon thereafter, he reluctantly joined us for our 6:30
a.m. jogs on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. After a month of running, we
decided that my friend might be hooked, especially when he said he had
discovered what "runner's euphoria" was. "Runner's
euphoria," he explained, "is what I feel at 6:30 on Tuesdays,
Thursdays, and Saturdays."
<<<
Scene: A sports store.
Me: Do you have jogging
shorts?
Clerk: We have running
shorts. How fast were you planning on going?
Starting that diet:
Kimberly announced that
she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.
"Good!" her
friend exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting
buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a
burger and fries, I'll call you first."
"Great!"
Kimberly replied. "I'll ride with you."
Eating healthier:
The teacher in our Bible
class asked a woman to read from the Book of Numbers about the Israelites
wandering in the desert. “The Lord heard you when you wailed, 'If only we had
meat to eat!' she began. “Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it
for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a
month—until you loathe it.”
When the woman finished,
she paused, looked up, and said, "Hey, isn't that the Atkins diet?"
An exercise for people
who are out of shape:
Begin with a five-pound
potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold
them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound
potato bags. Then try 20-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where
you can lift a 50-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for
more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in
each bag.
^^^^
When one door closes and
another door opens, you are probably in prison.
Of course, my grandpa
always used to say “as one door closes, another opens”. He was a lovely man. A terrible cabinet
maker.
~~~~
My grandfather always use
to say “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound
advice.
````
My dad said people
shouldn’t get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for
losing.
So I took down his
confederate flag.
Article on the
neighborhood website
Need a new home for a
dog. It is a small terrier that barks
all the time. If interested, let me know
and I will jump over my neighbor’s fence and get it for you.
Mark
Zuckerberg has concluded his research into rating every woman on Earth and has
now shut down Facebook. Thank you for
your cooperation.
And at
last some food for thought
I just saw
this older movie where the mother is brutally killed by a cold blooded killer
and the son is crippled. Then there's a twist and the son is kidnapped the
father begins a quest to find and save his son with the help of a mental ill
female.
It’s called Finding Nemo
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