It'll all work out JOW #1118

Being retired is not without its challenges.  I am falling behind here at home.  I am going to have to do twice as much ‘nothing’ tomorrow.  I can remember having to work….vaguely.  But I do have some jokes about the many different jobs in my various careers over my lifespan.  Alas, none of them involved jokes – some were jokes, but that is another story.  Here are my humorous (I hope) jokes of the week.

My Job Search

·         I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. 

·         After that, I tried being a tailor, but I wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job. 

·         Then, I tried being a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life - but I just didn't have the thyme. 

·         I tried to be a deli worker, but, no matter how I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. 

·         My best job was as a musician, but I eventually found out that I wasn't noteworthy. 

·         I became a professional fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income. 

·         So then I got a job in a gym, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

·         I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory.

·         The muffler factory was just exhausting.

·         I couldn’t cut it as barber, either.

·         I didn’t have the patience to be a doctor.

·         I didn’t fit in the shoe factory even though I put my sole into it.

·         Pool maintenance was too draining.

·         I got fired from the cannon factory.

·         And I just couldn’t see any future as a historian.

·         I worked for a while in the office at a stationery firm but I quit.  I felt it wasn’t going anywhere.

 

So, I tried retirement and found that I'm perfect for the job!

 

My old boss said to me, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many trains have you derailed this year?”

I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”

 

I got fired from my job making keyboards.  I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.  So I got a job at the watch factory.  Now all I do all day is make faces.

Then I got fired from another job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

 

So now I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:

Leave Me the Fu Cologne.

 

I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5% raise.

Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, "By the way, which companies are after you?"

"The gas, electric, and cable company."

 

An employee is getting to know her new co-workers when the topic of her last job comes up.

“Why did you leave that job?” asked one co-worker.

“It was something my boss said,” the woman replied.

“Why? What did he say?” the co-worker asked.

“You’re fired.”

++++++

William Shatner has discontinued his new line of lingerie.

Apparently, Shatner panties wasn’t the best choice for a name.

I sometimes wonder about job titles.

Could a librarian be called a bookkeeper?

A referee be a game warden?

A dairyman be a cowboy?

A cabinetmaker be the president?

 

What do you call a magician who lost their magic?

Ian.  (It is a word joke)

````

I went to Bank of America to deposit a check, and they asked me for ID. I said, “Are you telling me other people are trying to put money into my account and you’re telling them no?

===

Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank.

Give a man a bank and he’ll rob everyone.

^^^^

There was a man was in the street mumbling, “Deep hole full of water.”

It’s okay, he means well.

>>> 

Dad can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is

No sun.

<<< 

Oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walk into a bar.

“OH SNaP!” says the bartender.

~~~~

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an apple.

But it had extremely limited memory.  Just one byte.

A few quick ones

·         If you need more space, there is always NASA.

·         The definition of a perfectionist: someone who wants to go from point A to point A+

·         The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous, but backwards it’s even more stupid.

·         I wonder….If Mr. Potato Head was elected President would he be referred to as “Potatus”?

·         Why is it good to know sign language? Because it comes handy.

·         People who listened to the experts and isolated themselves during the pandemic had a form of ‘heard immunity.’

·         Why did she quit her job at the helium factory? She refused to be talked to in that voice.

 

A couple of off-topic jokes to finish

Two whales walk into a pub.

They take a seat at the bar and the first one turns to the bartender and says: “Whhhhhoooooaaaaaeeeeeyyyyiiiiiaaaalllllllooooaaaaauuu?”

The second one turns to the first and says, “Shut up Frank, you’re drunk.”

~~~~~~~

A man came to the doctor for a bad cough.  The doctor mistakenly gave him a prescription for a laxative instead of cough syrup. Three days later the patient comes for a check-up

The doctor asks, “Well? Are you still coughing?”

The patient replies, “No, I’m afraid to, now.”