Snide JOW #1115

 We have entered that period after the holidays when people start getting back into the old routine.  It is like an old engine grinding and sputtering before it settles into steady rumble.  Everything takes longer to get things accomplished.  This impacts even retirees.   I myself am on a very tight schedule of not getting anything done.

I normally do not go in for insult humor but I have been feeling rather snarky lately, so here are some snide jokes and put downs. 

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Sarcasm will get you nowhere.

Well, it got me to the Sarcasm Championships last year.

Really?

No.

 

Sarcasm gives you the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.

 

Better grab my dumbrella. It’s really stupid out there today.

 

Get back at the new generation.  Put them in a room with a rotary phone, an analog clock, and a TV with no remote.  The write the directions in cursive.

 

In order to insult me, I must first value your opinion…Nice try though.

 

I enjoy seeing friends and family I haven’t seen in a while.   But apparently it is only appropriate to say “Look at you!  You’ve gotten so big!” to children.  Adults tend to get offended.

 

People keep telling me “If you don’t wear a mask, you don’t care about other people”. I thought I had already made that pretty clear.

 

Somedays you feel like you’re surrounded by idiots. Other days you realize it’s not just somedays.

 

I would like to have kids one day. But I don't think I could put up with them any longer than that, though.

 

My parents raised me as an only child which really annoyed my sister.

 

My favorite movie is 'The Hunchback of Notre Dame.' I love it when the protagonist has a twisted back story.

 

My grandmother said that I'm too dependent on technology. I called her a hypocrite and disconnected her life support.

 

Alcohol is the perfect solvent. It dissolves careers, families, and relationships.

 

Some people you're glad to see coming; some people you're glad to see going.

 

Common sense is not a gift. It's a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn't have it. 

 

Women are the past masters of the passive-aggressive complement.

"You are so attractive when you make an effort!"

"Half your outfit looks amazing, really!"

"Your Instagram makes it seem like you have a happening life!"

“I love how you don't care at all about how you come across!"

 "I really like how you remind me of the days when I was young and stupid."

^^^^^^^^^^

It is ironic that the colors blue, white, and red stand for freedom in the U.S. until they start flashing right behind you.

 

My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.

I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

 

I yelled "shotgun", long before anyone else, but I still got to sit in the backseat.

I hate cops.

 

Do you know why I had a bad day? My ex was run over by a bus and I got fired from my job as a bus driver.

 

What do you call double standards? Burning a body at a crematorium is being respectful but doing the same at home is called destroying evidence.

 

Some classic old put downs from famous people.

A Member of Parliament to Disraeli:  "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

 

"He had delusions of adequacy."

Walter Kerr

 

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

Winston Churchill

 

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

Clarence Darrow

 

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."

William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

 

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."

Moses Hadas

 

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

Mark Twain

 

"He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends."

Oscar Wilde

 

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one. "

George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."

Winston Churchill, in response

 

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."

Stephen Bishop

 

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."

John Bright

 

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."

Irvin S. Cobb

 

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."

Samuel Johnson

 

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."

Paul Keating

 

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."

Charles, Count Talleyrand

 

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."

Forrest Tucker

 

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"

Mark Twain

 

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork"

Mae West

 

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."

Oscar Wilde

 

 And finally a more or less random joke.

At a noisy lobster restaurant in Maine when a vacationing Southerner stumped the waiter with a drink order. He approached the bartender. "Have you ever heard of a drink called 'Seven Young Blondes'?" The waiter asked. The bartender admitted he'd never heard of it, and grabbed a drink guidebook to look it up. Unable to find the recipe, he then asked the waiter to go back and tell the patron that he'd be happy to make the drink if he could list the ingredients for him.

"Sir," He asked the customer, "can you tell me what's in that drink?"

He looked at me like I was crazy. "It's wine," he said, pronouncing his words carefully, "Sauvignon Blanc."