I have a number of jokes about finance this week. No particular reason; I have been collecting documents for tax season (oh, joy) and that is where my mind was wandering. Trigger warning: This JOW contains ‘Knock Knock’ jokes.
Japanese Banking Humor
Uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the
last seven days, Origami bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai
Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was also announced that Karaoke Bank will go up for sale and will likely go for a song, while shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended today after they crashed. While Samurai Bank is soldiering on after sharp cutbacks, 500 employees at Karate Bank got the chop. Finally, analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
Some financial riddles:
Q: How many stock brokers
does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One of them lets the bulb drop, and the other one tries to sell it
before it hits the floor.
Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One of them lets the bulb drop, and the other one tries to sell it
before it hits the floor.
Q: Why do the banks never fire their top accountants?
A: Because they always threaten to take a job as investigators with the IRS.
Q: What do you say to the investor who lost a lot of money?
A: "Don't be sad; your money isn't lost. It just belongs to someone else
now..."
Q: What does the AAA-rating of a bank stand for?
A: The executive council consists of Academics, Analysts and the other
A**holes.
Q: What is optimism?
A: When an investment banker irons five fresh shirts on Sunday
Who would have ever thought there would be Icelandic Bank jokes?
Q: What is the capitol of Iceland?
A: Oh, about $2.10 and sinking fast
Q: What do Icelandic banks and an Icelandic streaker have in common?
A: They both have frozen assets.
++++++
A man won a $5 million on
the lottery and decided to donate a quarter of that to charity. It was no big deal. That still left him with $4,999,999.75.
------
A company selling safes has
a new ad campaign:
"If your things get
stolen, well it's not our vault."
I haven’t done many
knock knock jokes lately. Here are some
money-related ones.
Knock! Knock!
Who is there?
Cash
Cash who?
No thank you, but I’ll
take some almonds if you have any.
Knock! Knock!
Who is there?
Nicholas.
Nicholas who?
A Nicholas not worth much
these days.
Knock! Knock!
Who is there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin' you. Hand over all
your money.
Knock! Knock!
Who is there?
Hanover.
Hanover who?
Hanover all your money.
Knock! Knock!
Who is there?
Cash.
Cash who?
Cash me if you can.
Knock! Knock!
Who is there?
Yolande.
Yolande who?
Yolande me some money,
I'll pay you back tomorrow.
Knock! Knock!
Who is there?
Iowa.
Iowa who?
Iowa you some money.
Knock! Knock!
Who is there?
Bellows.
Bellows who?
Bellows me money. Is he
here?
Knock! Knock!
Who is there?
Celeste.
Celeste who?
Celeste time I'll be
lending you money
An organic joke.
A woman called her husband during the
day and asked him to pick up some organic vegetables for that night’s dinner on
his way home.
The husband arrived at the store and began to search all over for organic
vegetables before finally asking the produce guy where they were. The produce
guy didn’t know what he was talking about, so the husband said: “These
vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with poisonous chemicals?”
To which the produce guy replied, “No, sir, you will have to do that yourself.”
~~~~~~
Remember, the word ‘organic’
is from the Greek root ‘organos’ which means ‘over-priced’.
======
A mother and father take
their 6-year old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs
bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell
his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,
'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks,
the dumber he gets.'
And finally
A lady goes to the bar on
a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender
gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th
birthday and it's today."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would
like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops
of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says,
"I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two
drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why
the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to
hold your liquor.
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."
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