February Second is Groundhog Day, made famous by one of my favorite movies of the same name. One of my favorite lines in the move: “Phil: What would you do if you were stuck in one place and every day was exactly the same, and nothing that you did mattered?
Ralph: That about sums it up for me.”
But I have a lot of jokes
about Karens to use. You know, the bossy white
middle-aged women who are never satisfied and demand to speak to the
manger. That is Karen. Also, the head of a Home Owner’s
Association. So I threw in some Karen
jokes and a bit more filler to get to my self-imposed target of a thousand
words. Here you go:
================
A group of crows is called
a murder. What do you call a group of Karens?
A migraine. Either that or a Home Owners Association.
What kind of clothing do
Karen’s wear?
A lawsuit.
What's a Karen's favorite
band?
The police.
How do you measure the
obnoxiousness of middle-aged white women?
In degrees Karenheit.
Why did Karen complain to
the store manager about her photocopier?
She didn't like its tone.
Karen and Ruth used to
hang out all the time but Karen was not caring enough so Ruth left her.
Now Karen is completely
Ruthless.
Karen’s husband dies. After a few days, she starts
missing him, so she buys an Ouija board and contacts him.
Karen: Honey, can you listen to me?
Husband: Yes
Karen: Is the afterlife better than your life on earth with me?
Husband: Yes
Karen: Nice. So how's heaven?
Husband: Who said I'm in heaven?
Why did Karen press CTRL +
Alt + Delete?
She wanted the Task
Manager.
What is a Karen called in
Europe?
An American.
My friend usually
complains about everything but lately she's gotten bored of it. I guess you
could say that she's past the point of Karen.
A dyslexic Karen went to
Bethlehem.
She asked to see the
manger.
How many Karens does it
take to change a light bulb?
None. They just sit around
in the dark and bitch about it.
Two Karens are having
lunch together
The waiter stops by and
asks "Is anything okay?"
Karen: Doctor, I’ve not
been feeling well lately.
Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.
Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, astrology,
and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do
things my way or do I need to see the manager?!?
Doctor: Sure, we’ll do things your way. No need to raise your temper. Why don’t
we try an astrology based approach?
Karen: At last a sensible approach.
Doctor: So, what’s your star sign?
Karen: it’s cancer.
Doctor: Well what a coincidence.
A few mean jokes
Policeman: I’m sorry but it looks like your wife was hit
by a bus.
Man: I know, but she has a
wonderful personality
My wife beamed at me with
pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!“
I said, “This catapult is
amazing! Go get our daughter.”
What does a vegan zombie
like to eat? Graaains.
I asked a friend if she
was vegetarian because she really loved animals.
She responded, "No, I
just really hate vegetables."
~~~~~~~~~~
What’s the difference between
jam and jelly?
I have never been caught
in a traffic jelly.
Finland have just closed
their borders.
Which means no one can
cross the finish line.
Autocorrect can go
straight to he’ll.
Blame Dick for this
one:
Do you know why ants never
get sick? Because they have little
anty-bodies
New emergency exit signs
In the case of fire, exit
the building before tweeting about it.
Breaking news.
Man Shot 200 times with an
Upholstery Gun
Surgeons say he is now
fully recovered
I just discovered that
the word “nothing” is a palindrome…
Backwards it spells “gnihton”,
which also means nothing.
Student: Are “well” and
“actually” both single-syllable words?
Teacher: Well yes, but
actually no.
I bought the world’s
worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
I asked a friend in
Seattle what the difference was between a state like Washington and one like
Florida. He shrugged. “Apples and oranges.”
I accidently sprayed
deodorant in my mouth today.
Now when I talk I have
this weird Axe scent.
To this day, the boy that
used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the plus side, he makes
great Subway sandwiches.
I called my wife and told
her that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems
she was not happy.
She still regrets letting
me name the kids.
I’m sure my wife has been
putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m
sticking to my guns.
My wife has evil lessons
with Satan every week.
I don’t know how much she charges.
My wife says the salads I
make tend to be a bit on the dry side.
It’s definitely something
that needs addressing.
I have 2 unwritten rules.
1.
2.
I went for a job
interview today and the interviewer asked me, “What would you consider to be
your main weaknesses and strengths?”
I said, “Well my main
weakness would be my issues with reality - telling what’s real from what’s
not.”
They then asked, “And your
strengths?”
I said, “I’m Batman.”
`````````
The police officer stopped
a miner on the way to his job.
I got three questions for
you: Whose car in this? Where are you
going? What are you going to do when you
get there?
The miner, a man of few
words answered all three questions.
“Mine.”
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