Down Under JOW #1121

 It has been a while since I emphasized national humor.  My friend Dick sent me some jokes from Australia which gave me this week’s theme.  Deciphering Aussie humor might not always be easy, but you’ve got to love the Australian way of always seeing the funny side of things. Yes Australian humor might be anti-authoritarian, more persistently offensive, obscene and aggressive than other cultures, but it is their way of dealing with hard times and difficult subjects.  Their humor may not be politically correct, perhaps that is why I like it.  Here ae some samples. -

These were posted on an Australian tourism website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humor (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins)

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.

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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: Af - ri - ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aust - ra - lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not . . . 
. . . . Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus - tri - a is that quaint little country bordering Ger - man - y, which is . . .
. . . Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A - mer - ica, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

 

As I said, Australian humor can be a little rough.  Some examples:

Shane aged 23.  'My Sheila's an angel'.
Bruce aged 59.  'You’re lucky mate, mine is still alive'.

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Three Aussie guys, Shane, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project
in Wagga Wagga.  Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Ricky says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.'
Jeff says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
Ricky says, 'Where did you get that, Jeff?'
'Shane's wife gave it to me.'

Ricky continues, 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?'

'Well not exactly,' Jeff said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Shane's widow".'
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are.'

 

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Ricky decides to go back home to Melbourne so he calls Qantas Airlines to book
his flight.
The operator asks him, 'How many people are flying with you?'
Ricky replies, 'Strewth mate, how would I know.  It's your plane.'

+++++++++++++++

Ricky was getting drunk in the pub and ran out of money.  Ricky did not feel like going home and begged the publican for another drink. 'Com'on  Robbo, givuzzanaddabeerwillya? I'll pay you next week.....'
Robbie, the publican points out the window and says to Ricky, 'See that building across the road?'
'Yeah...' says Ricky, squinting'

‘Well, that is the Bank of Victoria, and I got a deal with them.'

'Deal? Wot deal?' mutters Ricky.

Robbie, ‘Well, Ricky, they don't sell beer, and I don't lend money.'

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A burglar broke was arrested after he had broken into Bruce’s house,  The next morning, Bruce went to the police station and asked to speak to the burglar who had broken into his house.

'You'll get your chance in court,' the desk Sergeant Kelly told him.

'I have to know how he got into the house without waking my wife,' pleaded Bruce. 'I've been trying to do that for years.'

******

Barry walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The barmaid looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.   

'Tiny', answers Barry.
'Why's that?' enquires the barmaid.
'Because he's my newt'.