Ukrainian JOW #1130

 Putin’s war against the Ukraine has been making a lot of news lately and rightly so.  It is a great tragedy and not only for that region; the negative impacts of this dreadful war will echo grimly around the world for a long time.  But nothing is so terrible that we cannot make jokes about it.  Heck, I have done half a dozen JOWs about the Covid epidemic.  These jokes about Ukraine are like COVID: Tasteless.

+++++

What’s the difference between a comedian and a clown?

One leads Ukraine, the other leads Russia.

=====

What’s Ukraine’s biggest import?

The Russian military.

…..

Poland has stepped up in support of Ukraine.

They’ve stationed 10,000 troops on their border with France.

(It is has been a long time since I used a Polish joke.)

***

The scariest thing about the possibility of World War Three starting is that Germany would be on our side this time.  They haven’t won a World War yet.

<<<<< 

Hey Putin, wanna hear a Ukraine joke?

I don’t get it.

Exactly

>>>>> 

All Putin wants is peace.  A piece of Ukraine that is.  First, he demanded that Ukraine to move its border away from his troops.

-----

Two Ukrainians are drinking together. Between shots of vodka, they are discussing many issues. One of the men had been a young child when the Soviet Union dissolved and Ukraine and the other former member states gained their independence. Having very little recollection of what life was like back then, he asked the older man, “Tell me, my good friend, were there any pluses in the Soviet Union?”

The older man replied, “There were some pluses. They were printed on batteries.”

^^^^^^

Putin is giving a speech to his people
- My people, we have begun a Special Military Operation in Ukraine.   We’ll need to tighten our belts and work harder!
Voice from the crowd:
- I will work double shifts!
- Thank you, you must be real patriot of our country!  Such patriotism for country! By the way what's your occupation?
- I work at morgue...

``````

 

Vladimir Putin, to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.
He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk there is a section for questions.
Little Sasha puts her hand up and says, "I have two questions. Why did the Russians invade the Ukraine without provocation?"
Putin says, "Good question." But just as he is about to answer the bell rings and the kids go to lunch.
When they come back, they sit down and there is room for some more questions. Another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says "I have three questions. Why did the Russians invade the Ukraine, why did the lunch bell go 20 minutes early, and where is Sasha?

~~~~~

Two young Russian conscripts in Ukraine approach a platoon of Ukrainian fighters to surrender.

They approach with their hands in the air, and their weapons holstered.
"We come to surrender. Our truck is out of fuel and broken down. The rest of our troops are miles away, and none of the gas trucks or repair technicians will be available for days. We are stranded."
The Ukrainian fighters take them into captivity and have them call their parents while they go out to inspect the truck that the Russians had abandoned.
They come back and tell the Russians what they found.
"Well, your truck was out of fuel and broken down just like you said. We found a hole in your gas tank. The timing belt was snapped, the oil was empty from a puncture in the reservoir, and the radiator was cracked"
"Wait a second" interjected one Russian soldier. "Did you say the radiator was cracked?"
"Well, yes." replied the mechanic.
"Huh. I don't remember doing that."

++++++++

Putin and Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky decided to settle the war man to man:  they would have a drinking contest.  They had the bartender set up the drinks, good Russian vodka, of course. 

The bartender passes around glasses each filled with a liter of vodka and then calls out the first brag, "Who's the toughest guy here?"

Down the hatch go the drinks.  The two men look unaffected.

The bartender pours two more liters of vodka calls out, "Who is the manliest guy here?"

The two slam down their drinks.

The bartender calls out, "Who can stare death straight in the eye and laugh?"
Both chug their drinks.  Putin starts to look a little woozy.  

The bartender calls out, "Who can stand next to those they care about, no matter what happens?"
Putin has a hard time finishing his drink this time.  Zelensky smirks over at him, steady as a rock.

The bartender calls out, "Who can actually back it up and it's not just bravado?"

They hammer down their drinks and Putin, slumps to the floor, done.  Zelensky ask for another drink and finishes it, smacking his lips with pleasure.

The bartender looks at Zelensky, in awe of the guy, "So... how can you drink so much Vodka so fast and not be fazed?"
Zelensky smiles, "Oh, I have an unexpected resistance to anything Russian."

And finally, here is one from my gut.
I stopped at a fast-food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered Fat-Free French Fries. I decided to give them a try.
I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer, which was dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order.
"Just a minute!" I said. "Those aren't fat-free."
"Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes . . . the fat is free!"