Every August I try to do a set of jokes based on dogs. We are still in the dog days and August 26 was International Dog Day. I have owned half a dozen dogs over the past 25 years or so and miss all of the ones who are gone. Dogs do many things for a family, including bringing mortality into our lives. They also bring a lot of joy; I hope these jokes bring some enjoyment to you.
I am going to start out with some simple dog riddles.
Q: How are a dog and a marine biologist alike?
A: One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
Q: What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?
A: A friend you can count on.
Q: What do you call a cold dog?
A: A Chili Dog.
Q: What do you call a frozen dog?
A: A pupsicle.
Q: What do you give a dog with a fever?
A: Mustard! It’s the best thing for a hot dog.
Q: What do you get when you cross a race dog with a bumble bee?
A: A Greyhound Buzz.
Q: What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a radio?
A: A golden receiver!
Q: What kind of work does a dog lawyer do?
A: Pro Bono.
Q: What did the man get
who tried to cross breed a computer with a dog?
A: Too many bites too handle
Q: Why did the Eskimo name his dog "Frost"?
A: Because "Frost" bites.
Q: What happens when a dog loses its tail?
A: It goes to a retail store to buy a new one.
Q: Why is a noisy yappy
dog like a tree?
A: They both have a lot of bark.
>>>>>
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm thinking about taking up raising dogs," the guy tells the bartender.
"Great idea," the bartender replies. "I can give you a few Pointers."
****
Policeman: "Excuse me mister, but were you aware that your dog has been chasing a guy on his bike"
Dog Owner: "Are you nuts? My dog is not even able to ride a bike"
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A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
_____
If you long for the pitter-patter of little feet, buy a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
~~~~
I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won't come when I call him.
~~~~
If you are old enough you can remember a time when dogs you do chase cars. Here are a couple about that.
My dog is lazy. He don't chase cars. He chases parked cars. If the car is moving, he sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.
A teenager chasing after a girl is like a dog chasing a car. He wouldn’t know what to do with it if you caught one.
What would happen if you crossed a dog and a cheetah?
You'd get a dog that chased after cars, but was actually fast enough to catch them!
^^^^^^^^^^
In the northern hemisphere, small herding dogs chase their tails clockwise, but in the southern hemisphere, they chase them counter-clockwise.
This is due to the corgiolis effect.
Some slightly more adult jokes.
A dog and a cat are arguing about who is more important to humans
The dog said: “I’m so
important they even named a body part after me, their K9 tooth!”
The cat smiled and said: “You’re not gonna want to hear this”
>>>>>>>
I said to my wife, "I've got something to tell you, but it's hard to say.'
She said nervously
"Go on."
I said. "Ken Dodd's Dad's Dog's Dead."
<<<<<<<<
When my friend's dog died, I bought an identical one to try to cheer them up...but it just made them more upset. Do you know what my friend said when I gave the dog to them?
"What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?!"
****
In America, dogs are K9.
In China, dogs are E10.
++++
A guy is sitting at the bar when he notices a dog on the floor licking his junk. He turns to the bartender and says, “Man, that’s amazing. I would love it if I could do that.”
The bartender looks at him and says, “I’m sure he’d appreciate that very much.”
```````
I named my dog “Five Miles.” So that I could say, “I am going to walk Five Miles now”
……
My dog was my soulmate; we both took naps, we both skipped lunch, we both hated the vacuum... —Elayne Boosler
<<<<<<
Husband: It is raining
cats and dogs now
Wife: That is ok, so long as it doesn't reindeer.
=====
Did you hear about the dog
who was fined for delivering puppies on the side of the road?
She was given a ticket for littering
+++++
Man: Our dog is such a
good, clever boy dear. He brings in a newspaper everyday
Wife: I guess that is pretty clever
Man: Yes, especially when we have never signed up or bought a subscription to
any.
^^^^^^
I recently planted a pet tree; it’s like having a pet dog except the bark is much quieter.
~~~~~
Every single day I have a German shepherd come and take a dump on my lawn in the morning.
Today he even brought his dog with him!
And finally
There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace
Mace was a great dog
except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat grass -- not just a little bit,
but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed,
could cure him of it. One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass
while he was working outside. He looked and looked, but it was nowhere to be
found.
As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided to look the next
morning. When he awoke, he went outside and saw that his dog had eaten all the
grass in the area, around where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in
plain sight, glinting in the sun.
Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him and said, "A
grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me
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