Pithy JOW #1160

 It is thyme for some seasonal humor.  You herb these puns here first! I think it’s a cayenne shame we don’t have more puns. But people are cumin to the end of their patience with all these spicy puns. I was advised to stop with the herbal puns; it was sage advice.

I start my jokes this week with some bumper sticker humor.

Also I am also going to be sending out some jokes telepathically, so if you think of something funny, that was me.

 

·         I’m Vegan.  Because I’m better than you.

·         These days I feel less like a million dollars and more like a bounced check

·         Dyslexics are teople too

·         I’m hung like Einstein and smart as a horse

·         4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions.

·         My mind was changed by a bumper sticker – said no one ever

·         I got stuck in a traffic jam on my road to riches

·         Don’t believe everything you think.

·         Falling in love makes you do stupid things.  Once I even got married.

·         Watch out for the idiot behind me

·         Marriage is grand.  Divorce is 100 Grand

·         Lost unicorn.  If found, stop doing drugs

·         Beer.  The reason I get up every afternoon

 

Some pithy jokes

My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight.  I had to explain to him that I’m married now and that’s where I sleep.

 

They are going to do a remake of Over the Rainbow, this time from the little dog’s perspective. The working title is ‘Toto Recall.’

 

When I was young, I was a poor golfer.  Now, after years of lessons and practice I am no longer young.

 

Who is this “Moderation” we are supposed to be drinking with.

 

It used be ‘rock around the clock’.  Now it is limp around the block.

 

My SUV has a button that says ‘Rear Wiper’.  I am afraid to push it.

 

Some days I feel as useless as the G in lasagna.

 

My neighbor is so fashion conscious that she claims that even her dog’s winter coat is Prada.

 

Santa delivers presents once a year and is revered.  FedEx does that every day.

 

“How do you spell ‘orange’?”

“The fruit or the color?”

 

Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm.

One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?”

The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

 

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu - you get what you deserve

 

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind?

A maybe

 

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

 

The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize

 

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed

 

*******************

Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance.
"See that over there? What is that?" says the first crow.
The second crows takes a long look, "That's a scarecrow. Looks authentic, doesn't it."
"How can you tell it's a scarecrow and not a person?” replies the first crow.
"Look at its hand. No cellphone", says the second crow.

~~~~~~~

A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.

The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.
The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.
The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to be outside the fence.

*******************

A man encountered God and asked, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "In a second."

And finally this one is from Tor.  It may not be personally true, but it fits his personality.

 

My teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but I think she was wrong about that because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened and he laughed. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. So, I told her: "Colonel Sanders." 

Guess where I am now.