Some of you might have noticed that it is the holiday season so I
guess I should have a few jokes about Christmas. Otherwise I would be a bad boy and get coal
in my stocking. Actually in these
climate conscious days it would probably be a broken solar toy. Here are some semi-topical jokes along with
my wishes for a Merry Christmas.
Why are Christmas trees always looking to the future?
Because the present is beneath them.
How do you find the value of taking Yule the Xth power?
You take the yule log
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.
Did you hear that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer never went to
school? That's right—he was elf taught.
Kids: If your parents won’t get you the presents you want just
call 1-800 GRANDMA
How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus’ weight when he was born? They
had a weigh in a manger.
How much does it cost to run Santa’s sleigh? Eight bucks, or nine
if the weather is bad.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist who pledged his soul to Santa?
And then there was the poor ornament who got hooked on trees
What did the naughty soccer announcer get from Santa Claus?
COOOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL!!!!!!
Actually I don’t usually watch soccer. If I want to watch a bunch of guys not
scoring for 90 minutes I can just watch my friends at the pub on Friday nights.
Six year old boy: "I don't want to go to church on
Christmas"
Mother: "It's important to go celebrate the birth of
Jesus"
Six year old boy: "But we don't even KNOW him!"
Boomer woman – “How can a simple ribbon and bow cost $45?”
Gen Z salesclerk – “Because it’s a thong.”
A gift of Chuck Norris Christmas jokes
·
The Grinch stole Christmas until Chuck Norris made him to return
it.
·
The only Christmas present Chuck Norris ever gives is allowing you
to live.
·
Santa leaves out cookies for Chuck Norris.
A father took his son Billy to the mall to see Santa. They stood
in line awhile, and finally the boy was able to meet Santa and sit on his lap.
“What would you like for Christmas, Billy?” asked Santa.
“An X-Box and a bicycle,” Billy said.
“Okay, we’ll see what we can do about that,” said Santa with a big
smile.
Later on that day they also went to see Santa at the Sears mall.
When Santa asked Billy what he wanted for Christmas, Billy said, “An X-Box and
a bicycle.”
“Will you be a good boy and do what your daddy tells you?” Santa
asked.
Billy turned to his dad and said, “Let’s go back to the other
Santa, Dad.”
“Why Billy?” asked his father.
“Because I didn’t have to make any deals with that one.”
One Christmas, a mother asked her young daughter if she could name
two of Santa’s reindeer.
“Rudolph and Olive,” replied the young girl confidently.
“Rudolph and Olive?” said the mother, quizzically. “Are you sure?”
“Yes, mommy, Rudolph and Olive. Like in the song.”
“The song?” asked the mother. “What song?”
The girl sang, “Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny
nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows. Olive the other
reindeer....”
When a father asked his little boy what he wanted for Christmas,
the boy replied, “A baby sister.”
As it turned out, the wife was pregnant, and delivered on
Christmas Eve. On Christmas day she brought home a brand new baby sister for
their son.
The next year, when the father asked his little boy what he wanted
for Christmas, the boy said, “If it wouldn’t make mommy too uncomfortable, I’d
like a pony.”
At Christmas time, there's nothing I love more than sitting in
front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, singing Christmas songs until I
slowly fall asleep. Maybe that's why I'm no longer a fireman.
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the
preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my
friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need
to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the
Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see
you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the
secret service."
A customer walked into a store looking for Christmas lights. The
clerk showed her their top brand, but, wanting to make sure each bulb worked,
she asked him to take them out of the box and plug them in. He did, and each one
lit up. "Great," she said. He carefully placed the string of lights
back in the box.
But as he handed them to her, she looked alarmed. "I don't
want this box," she said abruptly. "It's been opened."
One Christmas, a mother decided she was no longer going to remind
her kids to send thank you notes. Consequently, the kids’ grandmother never
received any thanks for the Christmas checks she sent to the kids.
The very next Christmas, all the kids stopped by in person to
thank their grandmother for their checks.
When asked by a friend what caused this change in behavior, the
grandmother replied, “Simple. This year I didn’t sign the checks.”
And departing holiday jokes.
Three things that tell the truth:
Small children
Drunk people
Yoga pants
======
Alexander Bell’s first phone call was famously ‘Watson, come here,
I want you.’ What is not commonly known
is the second call which informed Bell that his vehicle warranty was about to
expire.
^^^^^^^^^
Officer – “You drinking?”
Me – “You buying?”
Me – “It’s not how many times you fall, it’s how often you get up.”
Officer – “That’s not how sobriety tests work.”
We both laughed and laughed.
I need bail money
And finally
How does Christmas Day end?
With the letter Y!
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