Hungover JOW 1162

 At last winter has arrived, just in time for Christmas.  We had quite the cold snap here.  The temperature plummeted from 65 to 35 like it saw a state trooper.  But the Big Holiday is over; I just hope none of you left those ‘prescription’ brownies out for Santa. 

The next big event will be New Year’s Eve which is often observed by overserving, which leads me to my theme for this week: hangovers.

 

Whenever I wake with a terrible hangover, I invoke the inspirational last words of the philosopher Socrates who died saying:

"What the hell did I drink?"

 

A hangover is just your body’s way of reminding you that you are an idiot.  They are nature’s way of grounding you as an adult.   And a way of asking you ‘just how old do you think you are?”

 

What's the best thing for a hangover?

Drinking heavily the night before.

 

You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up and you are not sure if you are hungover, dead, or just hungry.  So hungover that you try to use the garage door opener to change the red light to green.  When you sit on your sofa and try to put the seatbelt on.

 

I had such a massive hangover this morning, I just stood in the shower for fifteen minutes...

Then I summoned the strength to turn it on.

 

Growing up as a kid you never truly understood why vampires hate the light until the morning you fling back the blinds when you’re hungover.

 

A guy wakes up on New Year's with a hangover and partial blackout.

He says to his wife, "Jesus, I can't even remember where we were last night. I keep thinking that there was a golden toilet bowl."
His wife says, "We were at the Johnson's. And Bill's pretty upset that you peed in his tuba."

 

Jane awoke from her Saturday out with the girls binge-o-thon surprised that she had no hangover at all.  Then she realized it was Monday morning.

 

What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?

Barf-a-lona

 

The only downside to Cinco de Mayo...

...is Seis de Hangover

 

Hangovers lead me to jokes about imbibing.

 

“Why did I do that?” A novel by me with special guest appearances by several alcoholic beverages.

 

I’m on the tequila diet.  So far I’ve lost three days.

 

People say I’m a bad influence.  But when they are around me they always seem to have a great time.

 

Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, lowered standards, and poor decisions.

 

What doesn’t kill us makes our drinks stronger.

 

When life gives you lemons, just add vodka.

 

Have you ever been so drunk you got hit by a parked car?

 

Part of me says, ‘you can’t keep drinking like this.’  The other part say, ‘Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.’

 

One of the advantages of being old is that we did stupid stuff before video cameras and the internet so there is no proof.

 

Whisky: The night time sniffling, sneezing how the hell did I wake up on the floor medicine.

 

You are going to drive me to drink. Fortunately I am close enough to walk.

 

It’s funny the things you do when you are drunk that seem totally reasonable and okay.  Then you wake up and want to go into hiding.

 

The first mate on a ship rarely drank, but the crew threw him a party on his birthday and went out of their way to get him drunk. The next morning he woke up with a hangover, and went to the bridge. He opened the ship's log and found that the captain had written, "The first mate got drunk last night". He complained to the captain saying that it was very rare. The captain defended his entry saying that it was the truth, wasn't it? The next day the captain opened the ship's log, and the first mate had written, "The captain was sober last night."

 

Alan: I can't afford to lose somebody close to me again, it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.
Phil: How'd he die?
Alan: Vietnam
Phil: Died in battle?
Alan: No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during the Vietnam War.

 

And a hangover finale

Bill wakes up with a huge hangover.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, and clean.
So's the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Bill asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious.
Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Bill asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married!"