Scattered JOW #1159

 Normally, I just pass on some jokes, butt his week  I feel the need to rant about the weather.  Highs in the 80’s and lows in the 70’s sound nice, but not when it so very humid.  And not in mid-December.  I am ready for a change.  It is hard to get into the holiday spirit wearing shorts and a tee shirt.  I might as well move back to Hawaii.

I just have a few scattered jokes this week.  I was going to tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.  I will start with some quick one and end with a setup of the old ‘Horse walks into a bar joke.  The bartender says “why the long face?” 

 

·         What did the snail who was riding on the turtle's back say? Wheeeee!

·         What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.

·         I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.

·         Why do we tell actors to "break a leg?" Because every play has a cast.

·         What does a pig put on dry skin? Oinkment.

·         What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.

·         My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.

·         What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.

·         Where does Batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.

·         What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little horse.

·         What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.

·         What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!

·         Why didn't the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.

·         What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

·         How did the pig get to the hogspital? In a hambulance.

·         I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!

·         Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? Because he had a great fall.

·         What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street? Traffic jam.

·         Why did the cow jump over the moon? The farmer had cold hands.

·         A termite walks into a bar and says, "So, is the bar tender here?"

·         What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.

·         What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk.

·         I'd like to help the homeless, but they're never home.

·         My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.

 

There is a 24-hour pickle hotline hot line number for pickles. What!?!  Who the hell has pickle questions that justify a hotline? And what kind of brine problems can you have that can't wait until morning?

 

My boss was honest with me today. He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

 

I first noticed I was going bald  when it took longer and longer to wash my face.

 

Women, do you want longer lashes?

All you have to do is show an ankle in Saudi Arabia

 

One evening, after his honeymoon, Tim was organizing his golfing equipment. His new wife was standing nearby watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she said, puzzled, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't," he replied.

 

Kid going to his first day of school, he looks worried, his dad asks him, "What's wrong?"
Nervous, the kid asks, "How long do I have to go to school for?"
"Until you're 18", says the father.
The kid nods, and thinks about this quietly. When they get to the front gates of the school, the kid says, "Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I'm 18, won't you?"

 

A woman got the news that her father had fallen from a 20 foot long ladder and was in the hospital. She rushed to the hospital expecting that her father had some major fractures, but he was alright except for some minor cuts. When she told him that it was a miracle, he disagreed and told her, "I just fell off the first step."

 

A 100 year old Japanese man is being interviewed for a newspaper piece about extreme old age

The reporter asks "do you think there's any merit to the stereotype that people from this village live a lot longer than others?"
The old man thinks for a second and says "you know, I'm not sure. Let me go ask my dad".

The reporter, stunned, stammers "y-your dad? Where is he right now??" and the old man says "I think he's out fishing with my grandpa".

 

And finally a couple of my favorites twisted jokes.

A Horse Walks into a Bar... He approaches the bartender and says, "If there is a triangle with three sides labeled x, y, and z, and x and z are perpendicular to each other, which side is the hypotenuse?"
The bartender thinks for a moment, then replies, "Y, the long face."

And a related twofer.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Can I get you anything?" The horse replies "I think not," a promptly disappears.
If you don't get it, it's important to first understand that the French philosopher Descartes famously said, "I think, therefore I am." So when the horse said "I think not," then he could no longer be.
I guess I could have explained all of that before I told the joke, but that would be putting Descartes before the horse.