Parenting JOW #1166

 My jokes this week have to do (mostly) with parenting and other family type jokes.  

Young husband to expectant wife – “Come on, we’ve read all the books, taken all the classes, this parenting thing is going to be a breeze.”

Wife – “I just felt the baby scoff defiantly.”

 

A mother recently expressed to me her worry about the safety of her children, especially the teenage one who keeps rolling her eyes at her mother.

 

Why are strict parents such bad quarterbacks?

They keep getting called for intentional grounding.

 

I have the memory of an elephant

When I was six, my parents took me to the zoo. There I saw an elephant.

 

What did the famished eaglet beg his parents?

"Prey for me!"

 

Schools should teach useful things such as parenting skills to children.

Okay, that's not a good idea. Children will immediately realize that they have bad parents.

 

In class today, students were talking about where are parents are from. One boy said his mom was from England and his dad was from the U.S.

“So you’re Brit-ish?”

 

Today on a drive, I decided to visit my childhood home.  I asked the people living there if I could come inside as I was feeling nostalgic. They refused and slammed the door in my face.
My parents are the worst.

 

I'm going to my parents' house to eat eggs benedict

You could say I'm coming home for the hollandaise.

 

Just found out that my parents love my twin brother more than me.

Still, it was nice of them to invite me to his surprise birthday party.

 

I would never put my parents in a nursing home

I can't afford it

 

A mother expressed to me her worry about the safety of her children, especially the teenage one who keeps rolling her eyes at her mother.

 

When I was little, my parents got me a big dog and a little cat for my birthday.

The next day we named the Dog curiosity.  (Think about it.)

 

My parents named me after my older brother.

And before my younger brother.

 

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my French" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that day at school when the teacher asked if we knew any French.

 

I wanted to tattoo 'do not resuscitate' on my chest but my parents were completely adamant I didn’t.

I respected their wishes so tattooed 'I'm uninsured' on my chest instead

 

Having homosexual parents must be terrible.  Either you have double dosage of dad jokes or you are stuck in cycle of “go ask your mom”

 

Little Timmy is called by his parents.

Father: "There's no easy way to tell you this: you have been adopted."
Timmy: "Whoa! Am I going to meet my real parents now?"
Father: "We ARE your real parents. And now go pack your bags. You're going to be picked up in 30 minutes."

 

Today I got fired for making a child cry at work. I only asked him where his parents were.

Working at an orphanage is no joke

 

"The daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so her mom said “Hey, the 90’s called.”

The girl replied “Yeah cause they couldn’t text”

 

Modern family

The Dad: "I might be stupid but you love me"
The Mom: "Yeah well after almost thirty years together, you kinda start to feel a certain way"
Teen age child: "Yeah, it's called Stockholm syndrome"

 

Someone told me I should talk to my parents more, but I'm too big.  In order to talk to my parents, I have to be a medium.

 

A couple of off topic jokes to round things out.

A rabbit is captured and taken to a medical laboratory to be used for experiments . . .

There, he befriends a rabbit who was born and raised in the lab. One day, he notices that the researchers didn't latch his cage properly and he decides to make a break for it. He tells the lab rabbit how great it is on the outside and convinces him to come along.
First, the wild rabbit takes the lab rabbit to a field of lettuce and the two munch on lettuce to their hearts' content.
Wild rabbit then says "Let me take you to an even better field" and heads to a field of carrots where they munch contentedly on all the carrots they want.
Then wild rabbit says "Now let me take you to the best field of all" and takes lab rabbit to a field full of female rabbits. The rabbits enter the field and (you know what they say about rabbits) proceed to have sex all night long.
At dawn the rabbits are exhausted and content and lab rabbit announces "Well, I'm heading back to the lab"
Wild rabbit says "Why??!!? I showed you the field of lettuce, the field of carrots and the field where you can have as much sex as you want!"
Lab rabbit says "Yeah, that was all great, but I'm dying for a cigarette"

And finally

A homeless man approached me as I was leaving a sandwich shop and he asked me if I had $5 to spare. I felt bad for him, and was just about to give him the money.
But then I realized I was holding a $5 foot long I had just bought, so I held up both the cash and the sandwich and told him he could have whichever one he preferred.
He stared at the sandwich. Then his eyes shot over to the $5 bill. He looked at the sandwich again, then back at the cash. After a moment his eyes were darting back and forth between the two, and he threw up his hands in despair, let out a scream of anguish and then turned and ran away from me.
At first I was totally confused, but then it dawned on me: Beggars can’t be choosers.