Happy New JOW #1163

 It is typical to treat past years as disasters and state that we are glad to see them go.  What do I think about 2022? - So far, it’s the best of the trilogy; I mean it was way better than the first two years of the ‘20’s.  I have a bad feeling we will look back on it later on with nostalgia.  I do admit it was a year of really bad epic movies.  Still, I want to welcome the New Year, which we can hope will be even better than the last.   A have a few New Year’s jokes, then I devolve into some anti-Putin humor.

 

An old New Year’s poem.

On New Year’s Eve, I didn’t join my friends to toast the days ahead.

They stayed up until it was late, then ate a tasty spread.

At midnight, though, I was home instead,

Sleeping very peacefully in my warm, cozy bed.

 

Why did 2022 go by in a blur? My resolution must've been too low.

 

My New Year's resolution is to see my cup half-full ... preferably with rum, gin, vodka, or moonshine.

 

In 2023, I will avoid food that gives me diarrhea.

It's a solid plan.

 

 I made a New Year's resolution to stop procrastinating, which I will undertake any day now.

 

A black guy in the library asked me where the colored printers were.

I said, "Dude, it's 2023, you can use any printer you want."

 

They should make all bras wireless.  It's 2023....I really don't think you still have to plug them in to charge.

 

Q: What do you call always having a date for New Year's Eve?

A: Social Security.

 

Not to brag, but I already have a date for next year’s New Year’s Eve ... it's Dec. 31.

~~~~~

A phone and a firework were arrested on New Year's. One was charged, the other was let off.

 

I had a friend who was certain he had a good bet last year. On 2nd of February 2022 he had just turned 22 so he went to the bookies and put $222 on the second horse in the second race of the day. It was at 2.22!"
Unfortunately the horse came second.

 

When people ask me why Jews are so smart and rich?  Seriously?  Isn’t it obvious - they’re about to be in the year 5784 and we are still living in 2023.

 

I bought the 250 million year old pink Himalayan salt

Behind the package, on the label, it says that it expires in December 2022

 

Customer -“I’d like to open a joint account.”

Teller -“Sure, who with?”

Customer -“Someone with lots of money.”

 

"What will life in Russia be like in 2023?"

"It will be worse than 2022 but better than 2024"

 

That joke got me off on Russian humor.

 

March 2023, one year into the Ukraine war

A scowling man said to himself as he walked: ‘We are out of meat, no coffee, not even toiletries...’
At this time, police in plainclothes came over and whispered to him: “I warn you, if you slander great Russia under Putin's leadership like this, I will hit you with a pistol on the head!”
The man looked at him and continued to talk to himself: “You mean we are out of bullets, too?”

***

They call a war a "special operation", they call bombings "loud noises", they call a rout "a regroup". I guess now they'll be calling forced conscription as an "all-expense paid vacation abroad."

+++++

Can a woman become the President of Russia?

No, because Putin is not a woman.

<<<< 

Vladimir’s Putin’s plan for the new economy. The goal? Make people rich and happy. The list of people follows:

~~~~

Two Russian prisoners were sitting in a gulag. The first one asks: How long do you have? The second replies: “Ten years”. “For what?” the first one asks. “For nothing!” the second responds. “You liar!” the first exclaims: “For nothing they only give you 5 years.”

>>>> 

Putin heard that many Russian soldiers are getting sick in Ukraine, so he sends a health inspector to join the Russian army to improve its sanitary conditions. The inspector asks a general:
“How do you prepare drinking water?”
“First, we filter it. Then we boil it.”
“And after that?”
“Well… just to be careful, we only drink vodka.”

And a final Putin joke:

When Putin began his first term in office he asked the then outgoing President Boris Yeltsin if he had any advice for him since he, Putin, had no prior experience in politics.
Yeltsin reportedly handed him two envelopes and said, if things go bad, open the first envelope. If things go really, really bad, open the second envelope.
Things got really bad, The Central bank defaulted in 1998 and the effects were felt everywhere, unemployment was rife, stores were empty and people were in the streets hungry, angry and protesting.
In desperation, Putin reached for the bottom drawer and pulled out the first envelope, in a small note, it was typewritten “Blame your predecessor”.
Putin blamed Boris Yeltsin, his predecessor for the woes of Russia, the dissolution of the Soviet Union as the biggest disaster in its history and told his compatriots to give him time and power and he would make Russia great again.
It is now 2023, with The Central bank at near default, people protesting in the streets, economy in shambles, and a war that isn’t going well, Putin finally opens the second envelope in the bottom drawer.
In that second envelope, there is a neatly typewritten note with the message “Prepare two envelopes.”