My offerings this week are all short, simple one liners; mostly puns. Blame it on Tor. He set me off by sending me a pun. It was a version of the old saw about explorers finding a hermit alone in a barren, sandy desert living in a simple shack with only a table, chair, and bed, with an old calendar on the wall.
“How do you survive
out here without supplies?” they asked.
“Very easy,” the
hermit replied. “I get water from the bed springs, eat the dates from the
calendar, and of course the sand which is here.”
Like I said, blame
Tor. Here are some quick, snappy jokes
for you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When life gives you
melons, you're dyslexic
What’s the
difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a
little lighter
Last night, I
dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea
There was a
kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - he woke up
A backward poet
writes inverse
What do you get
when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird
What washes up on
tiny beaches? Microwaves
"I have a
split personality," said Tom, being frank.
I renamed my iPod
The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
How does an
attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other
What would you get
if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit
I hate how funerals
are at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person
A man’s home is his
castle, in a manor of speaking
I saw an ad for
burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
He who laughs last
thinks slowest
The machine at the
coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation. It doesn’t
make any cents
What kind of
concert only costs 45 cents? A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback.
To the guy who
invented zero, thanks for nothing.
What was Forrest
Gump’s email password? 1forrest1
Smaller babies may
be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
My friend drove his
expensive car into a tree and found out how his Mercedes bends.
My sister bet
that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when
I drove pasta.
Never discuss
infinity with a mathematician, they can go on about it forever.
My wife tried to
apply at the post office but they wouldn’t letter. They said only mails work
here.
I just found out
that I'm color blind. The news came completely out of the green!
Did you hear about
the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft
drink!
I don’t want to go
to a nude beach. I’m too clothes-minded!
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before
Hear about the new
restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion
Practice safe eating - always use condiments
I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy
A hangover is the wrath of grapes
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Jill broke her
finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red
When two egoists meet, it's an I for an I
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana
In democracy your vote counts; in feudalism your count votes
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key
Every calendar's days are numbered
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat
He had a photographic memory but it never developed
A plateau is a high form of flattery
Those who get too
big for their britches will be exposed in the end
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis
Exercise makes you
look better naked. So does alcohol. Your choice.
I thought my dryer made my clothes shrink.
Turns out it was the refrigerator
I am back on a
diet. I have to remove all the ‘bad’
foods from my house and it is taking me a long time to eat that much.
I am on a food for
thought diet where all I do is think about food.
When the past,
present, and future go camping they always argue. It's intense tense in tents.
Comparison is the
thief of joy.
And finally
some thoughts to ponder.
Could a librarian
be called a bookkeeper?
referee be a game warden?
dairyman be a cowboy?
cabinetmaker be the president?
librarian be called a bookkeeper?
referee be a game warden?
dairyman be a cowboy?
cabinetmaker be the president?
No comments:
Post a Comment