Postmodern Pirate JOW #1165

 Postmodernism, a philosophy that is fundamentally deconstructionist, is all the rage in academia right now.  Each person defines his or her (or it’s) own reality and meaning of life.  This can lead to some pretty silly verbal gymnastics.  As Lewis Carol put it in Alice in Wonderland, ‘Words only mean what I want them to mean.’

As I studied it, I realized it was so absurd as to be a rich source of humor.  Then, as I worked on this JOW, somehow it all got mixed up with pirate jokes. 

 

Conversation between a postmodernist and his victim.

 

“You are standing on my neck.”

“Well, that’s one point of view.   But we could also say that you’re trying to trip me with your neck.  You see in the postmodernist condition we create our own reality base upon our internalized perceptions.  Since there is no objective truth we are fee to create our own truth.  There is no right or wrong; just an infinite number of equally valid stories.”

“You are still standing on my neck.”

“You never went to college, did you?”

 

Postmodernism.  Where you can discover truth with a group hug

 

A Socialist, a Marxist, and a Postmodernist walk into a strip club.

The bouncer checks their ID's and says
"Sorry guys, come back when you're 21."

 

What do postmodernists and drugs have in common?

They both make you see things that aren’t there.

 

Two postmodernist academics stumble across an antique oil lamp.

One of them sees a little grime and rubs it off. Suddenly, a glorious genie springs forth from the lamp.
“I am the great genie of the lamp! Since I see you are insufferable postmodernist academics, I will grant you each one META-wish.”
The first academic ponders for a moment and says, “I wish this entire situation was fiction, being told as a joke. None of us are real.”
“GRANTED! Next?”
The second academic only takes a minute and says, “To improve the structure of the joke, I wish there were a third academic who also gets a wish.”
“GRANTED! And you, the third academic?”
The third, peeved at having been created to round out a three-beat structure, says, “I wish the joke wasn’t funny.”

 

How about postmodernist pirate jokes?

How come nobody played cards with the pirate?

Because he was standing on the deck!   Since the other pirates had no universal moral perspective from which to criticize him, so they stared at the ocean and contemplated God’s absence.

 

What did one pirate say to the other?

“I SEA you!”

But it was just a joke, for no pirate is ever truly seen.

 

How do pirates like to communicate?

Aye to aye! 

Back and forth, they grunt like this—interminably, senselessly, a silly little joke against Truth.

 

How do you save a drowning pirate?

C.P. ARRRRRR!   But then unless the pirate is drowning in the creeping sensation that he is a cog in a monstrous, inescapable machine and that all of his choices are meaningless, in which case resuscitation will fail.

 

John the Pirate sat in the corner booth, scowling, and shed a single tear. “Arrrggh! Their jokes be hurtful!” he muttered, stabbing the “X” of a treasure map with his dagger, the desire for sweet, bloody revenge burning in his chest.

 

Okay, how about a few regular pirate jokes?

Why don’t you ever see a pirate cry?

Because, when they do, it’s a private tear!

 

What did the pirate say when his wooden leg got stuck in the freezer?

“Shiver me timbers! 

 

 “What vegetable do pirates fear? Leeks!”

 

How do pirates know that they are pirates?

They think, therefore they ARRRR!

 

What does a dyslexic pirate say?

RRRRRRA!

 

How much did the pirate pay for his piercings?

A buck-an-ear.

 

Why do pirates bury their treasure 18 inches under the ground?

Because booty is only shin deep

 

Why is pirating so addictive?

They say once ye lose yer first hand, ye get hooked.

 

How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?

An arm and a leg.

 

A pirate goes to the doctor to have the spots on his arm examined. The doctor says: “They’re benign.”

The pirate replies: “no, no doc, there be 11. I counted them before I came here.”

 

Why’d the pirate go to the Apple store?

He needed a new ipatch

 

How did the pirate call his mate?

On his aye phone.

 

Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank?

Because they’ll just wash up on shore later.

 

Why did the pirate go on vacation?

He needed a little arrrrg and arrrg

 

What kind of grades did the pirate get in school?

High Cs

 

What do you call a pirate with both eyes and all his limbs?

A rookie.

 

How did the pirate get his Jolly Roger so cheap?

He bought it on sail.

 

How do you turn a pirate furious?

Take away the “p.”

 

“Why do pirates need cell phones? To make booty calls!”

“How do you piss off a pirate? Take away the ‘P’!”

Enough with the pirate jokes.

Told my nephew the story of the grasshopper and the ant. The ant saved up for winter while the grasshopper didn't. I asked my nephew at the end of the story, “What is the moral of the story?”

Nephew: You should never live in a Fall's sense of security

=====

A large and powerful kingdom conquered their wealthy neighbor only to discover its treasure was all hidden away.

Only the count from the conquered kingdom knew where the gold was hidden but he refused to tell.

The conquerors took him to the dungeon, placed his head on the chopping block, and told him:

“This is your last chance! Tell us where the gold is or off comes your head!”

Beads of sweat slithered down the count’s face but still he said nothing. The captain gave the signal, and the executioner brought his hatchet down, but just as he did, the count’s courage broke and he blurted out: “No! Wait! I’ll tell you where gold’s hid-“

But it was too late. The axe came down, off came the head, and no one got the gold.

The moral of the story is: “Don’t hatchet your count before he chickens.”