This and That JOW #1171

I don’t have a particular theme for my jokes this week.  I am instead including a collection of mostly short little bits for you.  Enjoy.

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Gee, it’s train derailment season and I still have be my balloon decorations up.

 

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now! Wait…

 

Women’s roofing exposition.  All the shingle women will be there.

 

Did you ever wonder why the two ‘o’s in ‘cooperate’ are pronounced differently

 

I just bought a new thesaurus.  The pages were blank.  I had no words.

 

There is a thin line between the numerator and the denominator

 

My friend told me she wouldn’t eat beef tongue because it came out of a cow’s mouth.  So I gave her an egg.

 

I have a chicken proof lawn.  It’s impeccable.

 

Never run with bagpipes. You might bet kilt.

 

I think youngsters should think about the kind of world they are going to leave for Keith Richards and Willy Nelson.

 

A Hispanic magician did his trick.  Standing on the stage he called out “Uno, Dos”.  *Poof*  He disappeared without a “Tres”.

 

I got a bunch of people who showed up at my door claiming that I need to be saved or I would burn.  Stupid firefighters.

 

When a baby crawls across the floor to get its bottle it’s cute.  When I do it it’s ‘time for an intervention.’

 

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.

 

What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills? Bernadette.

 

I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.

 

I saw Usain Bolt sprinting around the track shouting, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" It was a running joke.

 

 

Cell phones are better than the old land lines, but…..  I miss slamming the phone down on somebody.  Violently pressing ‘end call’ just doesn’t do it for me.

 

IF the earth was flat, cats would have already pushed everything off of it.

 

Insomniac Descartes- I think, therefore I cannot sleep

 

I have a Canadian friend who was such a heavy drinker he drank Canady Dry

 

What did the full glass say to the empty glass? "You look drunk."

 

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta-way.

 

You're not completely useless. You can always serve as a bad example.

 

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

 

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

 

What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.

 

When you die, what part of the body dies last? The pupils… they dilate.

 

You know there's no official training for trash collectors? They just pick things up as they go along.

 

Five easy steps to improve your attitude.

1.      Stand up

2.      Stretch

3.      Take a walk

4.      Board a plane

5.      Fly to Key West

6.      Never return

 

Alien abduction is about the only chance I have for a vacation, now.

 

How much would it take to obtain a singing ensemble?

You mean a choir?

Fine.  How much would it take to *acquire* a singing ensemble?

 

I just saw a coloring book for lazy people.  It was a penguin, a zebra, and a panda – in a snow storm.

 

A friend of mine went bald years ago but still carries around an old comb. He just can't part

"I stand corrected!" said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

 

Bad first date conversation.

Her: I love animals

Him: I work with animals.

Her; Oh, are you a vet?

Him: No, I’m a butcher.

 

Patient - I’m having trouble hearing lately

Doctor - Can you describe the symptoms?

Patient - Let’s see.  Homer is the fat one and his wife Marge has blue hair.

 

I lost some of the fingers of my right hand in an accident.  I asked the doctor if I could still write with it.

“Perhaps, but I wouldn’t count on it.”

Free falling jokes

Give a man a plane ticket and he will fly for a day.  Push a man out of a plane and he will fly for the rest of his life.

 

What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes whack "darn" and a skydiver goes "darn" whack.

 

A couple of semi-religious jokes to wrap it up.

Friedrich Nietzsche Dies. As he ascends to heaven, he begins to get worried that he might be wrong about atheism.

He gets even more worried when he finally reaches heaven, and it looks just like how all those religious people said it would.

Then an old man with a big white beard comes up to him, and says, “I’m God, looks like you were wrong about me.”

Nietzsche replies, “Not at all. If you’re up here in heaven, too, that just proves everything that I wrote is correct. God is dead!”

~~~~~

A donut walks into a church, approaches the priest and explains, “Excuse me, Father, I don’t mean to trouble you, but I’m very interested in joining the clergy. I was hoping that you could give me some pointers.”

The priest, after taking a moment to accept the fact that he’s speaking with a pastry, offers a warm smile in response.

“That is truly a noble calling,” he says. “Most frequently, individuals who wish to become priests begin by growing active in their parish, then entering a seminary. While in attendance there, would-be clergy members work to excel in every regard, reaffirming their beliefs and devoting themselves to the path of righteousness. When the time comes, a given initiate will be ordained as a deacon, which will allow them passage to the priesthood.”

“That sounds like a very involved process,” the donut confesses. “I’m not sure I have the time.”

“If you don’t mind me asking...” replies the priest. “What made you think you wanted to join the clergy if you’re not willing to commit to the process? Why do you want to be a priest at all?”

“Well...” the donut answers. “See, it’s because I’m holey.”

 

Ballooning JOW #1170

Last week there was a huge contretemps over a Chinese surveillance (a big word for spy) balloon which drifted across the US before being shot down over the Atlantic.  Such was the uproar that radar systems were re-tuned to pick up slow moving targets and suddenly there were numerous floating targets some of which were promptly shot down.  I can see it now…. There I was at 40,000 feet in my personal balloon, not bothering anybody…..    Anyway, I chose balloons as my theme this week.

Why did China use an intelligence-gathering balloon look for our data?  They heard that all our information was in ‘The Cloud’.

 

The reason the balloon did not go over Washington DC was because there was no intelligence there.

 

Good night table,

good night moon, 

good night Chinese spy balloon

 

AT&T reassured their customers, ‘Relax, they can’t spy on you if you can’t get a signal.”

 

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon.  It never really took off.  He wanted to do Cold Air Balloon rides for people afraid of heights.

 

What do you put in a female balloon?

Shelium.

 

I was having an argument about balloons the other day . . .

I may have blown things out of proportion.

 

I bought a balloon for $0.99

How much should I sell it for after I adjust for inflation?

 

My balloon elephant wouldn't fit in my backseat

So I had to pop the trunk.

 

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

And yet cases continue to rise.

 

Two balloons were floating through the desert when one called out, "Look out, a cactussssss...."

 

What was the balloons last words to his dad?

“Watch me Pop!”

 

A girl wrote ‘will you marry me?’ on a balloon and her boyfriend immediately popped the question.

 

What do you call a balloon animal made out of a condom?

A Trojan horse.

 

And that reminded me of another condom joke:

Young couple finishes having sex when the female rolls over and looks at the box of condoms sitting on the nights stand.  She notices that there are only six left out of the original dozen.
The woman confronts her boyfriend.  “We only used one. What happened to the other 5 condoms?”
The young man tells her that he used them to make balloon animals for his young niece and nephew.
Later that night the girl is out to dinner with another male friend and tells him the story about the balloon animals.
“What do you think?” she says
He laughs and says “I do that all the time, too”.
“Are you telling me you make balloon animals with condoms also?”
"No, I lie to my girlfriend."

 

Once upon a time there was a mommy, daddy and baby balloon. The time had come that baby balloon had grown so big he no longer fit between his mom and dad in bed so they decided it was best he slept alone in his own bed from there on out.
Bedtime comes and off baby balloon goes to be tucked in, only to still be awake an hour later worrying about what may be lurking in the dark. He bounces over to his parent’s room and tries squeezing between them to no avail. After thinking carefully about his next steps he loosens his father's valve and deflates him slightly, then the same to his mother; still, he cannot fit. He does the most logical thing and deflates himself a little slightly until he can fit beside them.
Morning comes and mommy and daddy balloon aren't happy.
"Son." Said dad "I am not angry, I am just disappointed, not only have you let me and your mom down you have let yourself down as well"

 

Let’s shift away from the balloon jokes.

 

I bumped into a mannequin and said ‘sorry’.  Then said ‘I thought you were a person’.  Then I realized I was talking to a mannequin.

 

Be a minimalist.  It’s the least you can do.

 

I have a friend who thinks the English Channel is a cable station for Brits.

 

Me: Alexa, remind me to go to the gym.

Alexa: I have added gin to your shopping list.

Me: Close enough.

 

The judge shouted ‘Order’. 

So I said, “Pizza and beer.

The nice policeman is taking outside.  I think we are going to a restaurant.

 

Two blonds locked their keys in their car.

The one blonde says to the other, “What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?”

The other one replied, “No, people will think we’re trying to break in.”

The other one said, “Well, do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?”

The other one answered, “No, people will think we’re too stupid to use the coat hanger.”

The other one said, “Well, we better think of something quick because it’s starting to rain and the sunroof is open.”

I will finish with a couple of leftover husband and wife war jokes.

“I can’t believe you been visiting prostitutes for sex!” screamed the wife.

“You can hardly blame me,” responded the husband.  “I wasn’t getting any here.”

“That’s your fault,” she said, “You never told me you would pay for it.”

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A man left for work one Friday morning.

Instead of going home after work, he stayed out the entire weekend playing cards with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After a while she stopped nagging and said, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

“That would be fine with me”, he replied.

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

 

 

Valentine JOW #1169

 Valentine’s Day will soon be upon us to the consternation of all men with romantic partners.  Valentine’s Day is in honor of St. Valentine, or as he is sometimes called, St. Hallmark, is the patron saint of chocolate and flowers.  I don’t like the holiday.  All those fat babies with wings carrying bows and arrows are creepy.  In recognition of the holiday, my jokes this week are about the relationship dynamics of the men and women.

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Hopeful man, “Are you free tonight?”

Honest woman: “No, I’m expensive.”

 

Ladies – Not having a rich father is not your fault.  Not having a rich father in law is.

 

Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  ‘Yes’ is the answer.

 

I am thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife.  But I am pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.

 

I watched the video of my wedding backward.  I almost cried when I took the ring back, gave her back to her father, and moonwalked right out of the church to freedom.

 

I googled “Rorschach test.”

But for some reason, all that came up were pictures of my wife and myself fighting.

 

You can’t make someone love you.   All you can do is stalk them and hope for the best.

 

Overheard at the grocery store.  “The best things about the Super Bowl are the food and commercials.  I don’t even care who makes the most baskets.

 

I want a girl who likes long romantic walks; because I don’t have a car or any money

 

My wife and I had this long argument about the appropriate shoes to wear when gardening.

But she kept digging in her heels.

 

My girlfriend asked me to take the spider out instead of killing it.  We went out and had some drinks.  She is really nice.  Wants to be a web developer.

 

Doctor – “Well, the good news is that you are going to be able to see your wife again.”

Elderly patient – “But my wife has been dead for five years.”

Doctor – “Exactly.”

 

An old lady rubbed an old lamp and released a genie.  He offered her the traditional three wishes.

She says, "I want to be young again."
\*poof\*
She's young again.
"I want my little house to be turned into a beautiful mansion."
\*poof\*
She's now living in a beautiful mansion.
"I want my cat who loves me so to be turned into a handsome young man!"
\*poof\*
Her cat is now a handsome young man.
"Oh cat, all my fantasies have come true! Take me in your arms, take me upstairs and make mad, passionate love to me!"
The cat says, "Oh darling, you should've thought about that a long time ago, when you had me fixed.”

 

Tor sent me some poems from Ogden Nash.  Here are a few more or less romantic ones:

The Perfect Husband

He tells you when you've got on
    too much lipstick
And helps you with your girdle
    when your hips stick.

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A Word to Husbands

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.

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A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison,
And had an affair with a Saracen;
She was not over-sexed,
Or jealous or vexed,
She just wanted to make a comparison.

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I give you now Professor Twist,
A conscientious scientist,
Trustees exclaimed, "He never bungles!"
And sent him off to distant jungles.
Camped on a tropic riverside,
One day he missed his loving bride.
She had, the guide informed him later,
Been eaten by an alligator.
Professor Twist could not but smile.
"You mean," he said, "a crocodile."

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Reflections On Ice Breaking

Candy
Is dandy
But liquor
Is quicker

 

And finally, a story of desperate love:

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the man and woman in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other, and ties them to the chairs. The burglar slowly and methodically begins stealing from the house.
When the burglar has taken everything of value, he gets ready to leave, the homeowners still bound to their chairs, when suddenly, the man yells at the burglar,
"Please untie her, please, let her go!"
The thief responds with,
"No, I'm not untying either of you so that the authorities get notified as late as possible. Don't worry, your neighbors will soon wonder why your lights are still on throughout the night and check in on you long before you succumb to dehydration"
The man yet again pleads,
"Please, just untie her, I'll do anything!"
The burglar once again explains his reasoning,
"I need to get away with this crime, I'm sorry, I can't leave anything up to chance."
The man shuffles his chair towards the burglar, in a state of mania, exclaims,
"I'm begging you man, just let her go, she won't call the cops, I promise!"
The burglar, still unwilling to budge, did find it quite touching how much his hostage cared about his wife.
"Wow," he said "You must really love your wife to beg me to untie her so desperately"
"No," The man replied, in a state of frenzy "My wife will be home in 15 minutes"

 

Willing and Ableist JOW #1168

 My jokes of the week have taken on a lot of subjects many people consider not funny, such as death… or accountants.  Humor can be hurtful, but it is also a way to cope with difficult situations.  I am sure you have heard jokes about any number of tragedies, such as: “what’s shaking?”  “Well, lately Turkey and Syria.”  Laughter is a way to cope.  This week I will found some jokes about various handicaps, not something you normally think of as funny.  But I understand what it is to be handicapped.  I myself was born with without the ability to stop myself from telling wildly inappropriate jokes.

I know many handicapped people with a great sense of humor.

Shame they don't do stand-up comedy.

 

Here are some really awful, tasteless Ablelist jokes

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs?

Who is in the ocean?                          Bob

            Who is stuffed into a mail slot?          Bill

            Who is on the front steps?                  Mat

            Who is hanging on the wall?              Art

            Who is in a hole?                                Doug

            Who is outside next to a shovel?        Douglas

            Who is in a pile of leaves                    Russel

            Who wants to go home?                     A taxi

 

What do you call a cow with no right legs?

            Lean beef

With no legs at all?

            Ground beef

What do you call a dog with no legs?

            It doesn’t matter.  He can’t come anyway.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

            Right where you left him.

How do you take a dog with no legs out for a walk?

            You don’t.  You take him for a drag.

What can you teach a dog with no legs to do?

            Stay

What do you call a hat with no legs?

            Handicap

What do you give to someone who hasn't used their muscles in a long time?

            A trophy  (It’s a pun)

 

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Two handicapped men walk into a bar...

PRAISE THE LORD!!

 

Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, “When I was little”?

 

Old MacDonald had Tourette’s syndrome

E-I-E-I TWAT

 

A blind man walks into a bar… then a table… then finally a chair.

 

Then there was that little old lady that fell into a well.  Yup, she didn’t see that well.

 

If a frog parked in a handicap spot would he get toad?

 

Then there was the sickly Chinese guy named Some Ting Wong

 

How long is a Chinese

He is.

 

A handicapped guy stole my camo shirt.

You can hide but you can't run!

 

I have a dream that one day handicapped people will be able to park wherever they want to.

 

I saw a golf buggy parked in a handicapped parking place at the country club.  I wonder what his handicap is?

 

Two single people met up on handicap singles night after having no luck in years...

The man had a wooden peg leg, and the woman has a wooden eye. After finally getting up the courage, the woman asks the man if he would like to dance.
“Would I? Would I?” He yells excitedly.
In complete disgust, she yells back, “Peg Leg! Peg Leg!”

 

After a year of being really sick the doctor gave me some good news.  I’m going to have a disease named after me

 

Doctor: “Well, Johnny, your test results are back and the numbers look great!”

Handicapped senior:  “You mean I’m getting better?”

Doctor”  “It means the hospital will make a nice profit this year.”

 

Then there was the grumpy old man in a wheelchair.  He complained that all his friends pushed him around and talked behind his back.

 

Shifting gears, here are some more ‘normal’ jokes.

A man comes home after a hard day’s work and opens the refrigerator
to get a soda. Inside, he sees a squirrel taking a nap.
“What are you doing in my fridge?” the man asks.
The squirrel opens one sleepy eye and says, “Isn’t this a Westinghouse?”
“Um, yes,” the man replies. “It is.”
“Well then,” the squirrel says, shutting his eyes again, “I am twying to west.”

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Two guys in an insane asylum are up for parole.

The first guy goes to see the committee, and they ask him some questions.

Committee: “Who discovered America?”

Guy 1: “Christopher Columbus.”

Committee: “How long ago was that?”

Guy 1: “Around five hundred years.”

Committee: “Do aliens exist?”

Guy 1: “It’s possible, but there’s no proof.”

He goes back outside and says to the other insane guy, “It’s easy, you just answer “Christopher Columbus”, “Around five hundred years”, and “It’s possible, but there’s no proof”.

So the other guy goes in, and the questions begin.

Committee: “What’s your name?”

Guy 2: “Christopher Columbus.”

Committee (incredulously): “How old are you?”

Guy 2 (with conviction): “Around five hundred years.”

Committee: “Are you insane?”

Guy 2: “It’s possible, but there’s no proof.”

 

Finally, an uplifting story.

A woman hurried to a pharmacy to pick up the medication.

When she got back to the car, she found her keys locked inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground.

She looked at it and said, “I don’t know how to use this.”

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.

Within five minutes an old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said, “Yes, my husband is sick. I forgot my keys in the car. Can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”

He said, “Sure.”

He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.

She hugged the man and through tears said, “Thank you, God, for sending me such a very nice man.”

The man heard her little prayer and replied, “Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison; I was in prison for car theft.”

The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, “Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a professional!”