Valentine JOW #1169

 Valentine’s Day will soon be upon us to the consternation of all men with romantic partners.  Valentine’s Day is in honor of St. Valentine, or as he is sometimes called, St. Hallmark, is the patron saint of chocolate and flowers.  I don’t like the holiday.  All those fat babies with wings carrying bows and arrows are creepy.  In recognition of the holiday, my jokes this week are about the relationship dynamics of the men and women.

~~~~~

Hopeful man, “Are you free tonight?”

Honest woman: “No, I’m expensive.”

 

Ladies – Not having a rich father is not your fault.  Not having a rich father in law is.

 

Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  ‘Yes’ is the answer.

 

I am thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife.  But I am pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.

 

I watched the video of my wedding backward.  I almost cried when I took the ring back, gave her back to her father, and moonwalked right out of the church to freedom.

 

I googled “Rorschach test.”

But for some reason, all that came up were pictures of my wife and myself fighting.

 

You can’t make someone love you.   All you can do is stalk them and hope for the best.

 

Overheard at the grocery store.  “The best things about the Super Bowl are the food and commercials.  I don’t even care who makes the most baskets.

 

I want a girl who likes long romantic walks; because I don’t have a car or any money

 

My wife and I had this long argument about the appropriate shoes to wear when gardening.

But she kept digging in her heels.

 

My girlfriend asked me to take the spider out instead of killing it.  We went out and had some drinks.  She is really nice.  Wants to be a web developer.

 

Doctor – “Well, the good news is that you are going to be able to see your wife again.”

Elderly patient – “But my wife has been dead for five years.”

Doctor – “Exactly.”

 

An old lady rubbed an old lamp and released a genie.  He offered her the traditional three wishes.

She says, "I want to be young again."
\*poof\*
She's young again.
"I want my little house to be turned into a beautiful mansion."
\*poof\*
She's now living in a beautiful mansion.
"I want my cat who loves me so to be turned into a handsome young man!"
\*poof\*
Her cat is now a handsome young man.
"Oh cat, all my fantasies have come true! Take me in your arms, take me upstairs and make mad, passionate love to me!"
The cat says, "Oh darling, you should've thought about that a long time ago, when you had me fixed.”

 

Tor sent me some poems from Ogden Nash.  Here are a few more or less romantic ones:

The Perfect Husband

He tells you when you've got on
    too much lipstick
And helps you with your girdle
    when your hips stick.

~~~

A Word to Husbands

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.

****

A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison,
And had an affair with a Saracen;
She was not over-sexed,
Or jealous or vexed,
She just wanted to make a comparison.

====

I give you now Professor Twist,
A conscientious scientist,
Trustees exclaimed, "He never bungles!"
And sent him off to distant jungles.
Camped on a tropic riverside,
One day he missed his loving bride.
She had, the guide informed him later,
Been eaten by an alligator.
Professor Twist could not but smile.
"You mean," he said, "a crocodile."

++++

Reflections On Ice Breaking

Candy
Is dandy
But liquor
Is quicker

 

And finally, a story of desperate love:

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the man and woman in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other, and ties them to the chairs. The burglar slowly and methodically begins stealing from the house.
When the burglar has taken everything of value, he gets ready to leave, the homeowners still bound to their chairs, when suddenly, the man yells at the burglar,
"Please untie her, please, let her go!"
The thief responds with,
"No, I'm not untying either of you so that the authorities get notified as late as possible. Don't worry, your neighbors will soon wonder why your lights are still on throughout the night and check in on you long before you succumb to dehydration"
The man yet again pleads,
"Please, just untie her, I'll do anything!"
The burglar once again explains his reasoning,
"I need to get away with this crime, I'm sorry, I can't leave anything up to chance."
The man shuffles his chair towards the burglar, in a state of mania, exclaims,
"I'm begging you man, just let her go, she won't call the cops, I promise!"
The burglar, still unwilling to budge, did find it quite touching how much his hostage cared about his wife.
"Wow," he said "You must really love your wife to beg me to untie her so desperately"
"No," The man replied, in a state of frenzy "My wife will be home in 15 minutes"