Willing and Ableist JOW #1168

 My jokes of the week have taken on a lot of subjects many people consider not funny, such as death… or accountants.  Humor can be hurtful, but it is also a way to cope with difficult situations.  I am sure you have heard jokes about any number of tragedies, such as: “what’s shaking?”  “Well, lately Turkey and Syria.”  Laughter is a way to cope.  This week I will found some jokes about various handicaps, not something you normally think of as funny.  But I understand what it is to be handicapped.  I myself was born with without the ability to stop myself from telling wildly inappropriate jokes.

I know many handicapped people with a great sense of humor.

Shame they don't do stand-up comedy.

 

Here are some really awful, tasteless Ablelist jokes

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs?

Who is in the ocean?                          Bob

            Who is stuffed into a mail slot?          Bill

            Who is on the front steps?                  Mat

            Who is hanging on the wall?              Art

            Who is in a hole?                                Doug

            Who is outside next to a shovel?        Douglas

            Who is in a pile of leaves                    Russel

            Who wants to go home?                     A taxi

 

What do you call a cow with no right legs?

            Lean beef

With no legs at all?

            Ground beef

What do you call a dog with no legs?

            It doesn’t matter.  He can’t come anyway.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

            Right where you left him.

How do you take a dog with no legs out for a walk?

            You don’t.  You take him for a drag.

What can you teach a dog with no legs to do?

            Stay

What do you call a hat with no legs?

            Handicap

What do you give to someone who hasn't used their muscles in a long time?

            A trophy  (It’s a pun)

 

~~~~~~

Two handicapped men walk into a bar...

PRAISE THE LORD!!

 

Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, “When I was little”?

 

Old MacDonald had Tourette’s syndrome

E-I-E-I TWAT

 

A blind man walks into a bar… then a table… then finally a chair.

 

Then there was that little old lady that fell into a well.  Yup, she didn’t see that well.

 

If a frog parked in a handicap spot would he get toad?

 

Then there was the sickly Chinese guy named Some Ting Wong

 

How long is a Chinese

He is.

 

A handicapped guy stole my camo shirt.

You can hide but you can't run!

 

I have a dream that one day handicapped people will be able to park wherever they want to.

 

I saw a golf buggy parked in a handicapped parking place at the country club.  I wonder what his handicap is?

 

Two single people met up on handicap singles night after having no luck in years...

The man had a wooden peg leg, and the woman has a wooden eye. After finally getting up the courage, the woman asks the man if he would like to dance.
“Would I? Would I?” He yells excitedly.
In complete disgust, she yells back, “Peg Leg! Peg Leg!”

 

After a year of being really sick the doctor gave me some good news.  I’m going to have a disease named after me

 

Doctor: “Well, Johnny, your test results are back and the numbers look great!”

Handicapped senior:  “You mean I’m getting better?”

Doctor”  “It means the hospital will make a nice profit this year.”

 

Then there was the grumpy old man in a wheelchair.  He complained that all his friends pushed him around and talked behind his back.

 

Shifting gears, here are some more ‘normal’ jokes.

A man comes home after a hard day’s work and opens the refrigerator
to get a soda. Inside, he sees a squirrel taking a nap.
“What are you doing in my fridge?” the man asks.
The squirrel opens one sleepy eye and says, “Isn’t this a Westinghouse?”
“Um, yes,” the man replies. “It is.”
“Well then,” the squirrel says, shutting his eyes again, “I am twying to west.”

++++

Two guys in an insane asylum are up for parole.

The first guy goes to see the committee, and they ask him some questions.

Committee: “Who discovered America?”

Guy 1: “Christopher Columbus.”

Committee: “How long ago was that?”

Guy 1: “Around five hundred years.”

Committee: “Do aliens exist?”

Guy 1: “It’s possible, but there’s no proof.”

He goes back outside and says to the other insane guy, “It’s easy, you just answer “Christopher Columbus”, “Around five hundred years”, and “It’s possible, but there’s no proof”.

So the other guy goes in, and the questions begin.

Committee: “What’s your name?”

Guy 2: “Christopher Columbus.”

Committee (incredulously): “How old are you?”

Guy 2 (with conviction): “Around five hundred years.”

Committee: “Are you insane?”

Guy 2: “It’s possible, but there’s no proof.”

 

Finally, an uplifting story.

A woman hurried to a pharmacy to pick up the medication.

When she got back to the car, she found her keys locked inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground.

She looked at it and said, “I don’t know how to use this.”

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.

Within five minutes an old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said, “Yes, my husband is sick. I forgot my keys in the car. Can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”

He said, “Sure.”

He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.

She hugged the man and through tears said, “Thank you, God, for sending me such a very nice man.”

The man heard her little prayer and replied, “Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison; I was in prison for car theft.”

The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, “Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a professional!”