Ballooning JOW #1170

Last week there was a huge contretemps over a Chinese surveillance (a big word for spy) balloon which drifted across the US before being shot down over the Atlantic.  Such was the uproar that radar systems were re-tuned to pick up slow moving targets and suddenly there were numerous floating targets some of which were promptly shot down.  I can see it now…. There I was at 40,000 feet in my personal balloon, not bothering anybody…..    Anyway, I chose balloons as my theme this week.

Why did China use an intelligence-gathering balloon look for our data?  They heard that all our information was in ‘The Cloud’.

 

The reason the balloon did not go over Washington DC was because there was no intelligence there.

 

Good night table,

good night moon, 

good night Chinese spy balloon

 

AT&T reassured their customers, ‘Relax, they can’t spy on you if you can’t get a signal.”

 

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon.  It never really took off.  He wanted to do Cold Air Balloon rides for people afraid of heights.

 

What do you put in a female balloon?

Shelium.

 

I was having an argument about balloons the other day . . .

I may have blown things out of proportion.

 

I bought a balloon for $0.99

How much should I sell it for after I adjust for inflation?

 

My balloon elephant wouldn't fit in my backseat

So I had to pop the trunk.

 

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

And yet cases continue to rise.

 

Two balloons were floating through the desert when one called out, "Look out, a cactussssss...."

 

What was the balloons last words to his dad?

“Watch me Pop!”

 

A girl wrote ‘will you marry me?’ on a balloon and her boyfriend immediately popped the question.

 

What do you call a balloon animal made out of a condom?

A Trojan horse.

 

And that reminded me of another condom joke:

Young couple finishes having sex when the female rolls over and looks at the box of condoms sitting on the nights stand.  She notices that there are only six left out of the original dozen.
The woman confronts her boyfriend.  “We only used one. What happened to the other 5 condoms?”
The young man tells her that he used them to make balloon animals for his young niece and nephew.
Later that night the girl is out to dinner with another male friend and tells him the story about the balloon animals.
“What do you think?” she says
He laughs and says “I do that all the time, too”.
“Are you telling me you make balloon animals with condoms also?”
"No, I lie to my girlfriend."

 

Once upon a time there was a mommy, daddy and baby balloon. The time had come that baby balloon had grown so big he no longer fit between his mom and dad in bed so they decided it was best he slept alone in his own bed from there on out.
Bedtime comes and off baby balloon goes to be tucked in, only to still be awake an hour later worrying about what may be lurking in the dark. He bounces over to his parent’s room and tries squeezing between them to no avail. After thinking carefully about his next steps he loosens his father's valve and deflates him slightly, then the same to his mother; still, he cannot fit. He does the most logical thing and deflates himself a little slightly until he can fit beside them.
Morning comes and mommy and daddy balloon aren't happy.
"Son." Said dad "I am not angry, I am just disappointed, not only have you let me and your mom down you have let yourself down as well"

 

Let’s shift away from the balloon jokes.

 

I bumped into a mannequin and said ‘sorry’.  Then said ‘I thought you were a person’.  Then I realized I was talking to a mannequin.

 

Be a minimalist.  It’s the least you can do.

 

I have a friend who thinks the English Channel is a cable station for Brits.

 

Me: Alexa, remind me to go to the gym.

Alexa: I have added gin to your shopping list.

Me: Close enough.

 

The judge shouted ‘Order’. 

So I said, “Pizza and beer.

The nice policeman is taking outside.  I think we are going to a restaurant.

 

Two blonds locked their keys in their car.

The one blonde says to the other, “What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?”

The other one replied, “No, people will think we’re trying to break in.”

The other one said, “Well, do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?”

The other one answered, “No, people will think we’re too stupid to use the coat hanger.”

The other one said, “Well, we better think of something quick because it’s starting to rain and the sunroof is open.”

I will finish with a couple of leftover husband and wife war jokes.

“I can’t believe you been visiting prostitutes for sex!” screamed the wife.

“You can hardly blame me,” responded the husband.  “I wasn’t getting any here.”

“That’s your fault,” she said, “You never told me you would pay for it.”

~~~~

A man left for work one Friday morning.

Instead of going home after work, he stayed out the entire weekend playing cards with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After a while she stopped nagging and said, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

“That would be fine with me”, he replied.

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.