I don’t have
a particular theme for my jokes this week.
I am instead including a collection of mostly short little bits for
you. Enjoy.
++++++
Gee, it’s train derailment
season and I still have be my balloon decorations up.
They all laughed when I
said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now! Wait…
Women’s roofing
exposition. All the shingle women will
be there.
Did you ever wonder why
the two ‘o’s in ‘cooperate’ are pronounced differently
I just bought a new thesaurus. The pages were blank. I had no words.
There is a thin line
between the numerator and the denominator
My friend told me she
wouldn’t eat beef tongue because it came out of a cow’s mouth. So I gave her an egg.
I have a chicken proof
lawn. It’s impeccable.
Never run with bagpipes.
You might bet kilt.
I think youngsters should
think about the kind of world they are going to leave for Keith Richards and
Willy Nelson.
A Hispanic magician did
his trick. Standing on the stage he
called out “Uno, Dos”. *Poof* He disappeared without a “Tres”.
I got a bunch of people
who showed up at my door claiming that I need to be saved or I would burn. Stupid firefighters.
When a baby crawls across the
floor to get its bottle it’s cute. When
I do it it’s ‘time for an intervention.’
What sits at the bottom of
the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.
What do you call a woman
who sets fire to all her bills? Bernadette.
I was kidnapped by mimes
once. They did unspeakable things to me.
I saw Usain
Bolt sprinting around the track shouting, "Why did the chicken cross
the road?" It was a running joke.
Cell phones are better
than the old land lines, but….. I miss
slamming the phone down on somebody.
Violently pressing ‘end call’ just doesn’t do it for me.
IF the earth was flat,
cats would have already pushed everything off of it.
Insomniac Descartes- I
think, therefore I cannot sleep
I have a Canadian friend
who was such a heavy drinker he drank Canady Dry
What did the full glass
say to the empty glass? "You look drunk."
Did you hear about the
Italian chef who died? He pasta-way.
You're not completely
useless. You can always serve as a bad example.
Did you hear about the guy
whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
What's the difference
between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little
lighter.
What do the
movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead
people.
When you die, what part of
the body dies last? The pupils… they dilate.
You know there's no
official training for trash collectors? They just pick things up as they go
along.
Five easy steps to improve
your attitude.
1.
Stand up
2.
Stretch
3.
Take a walk
4.
Board a plane
5.
Fly to Key West
6.
Never return
Alien abduction is about
the only chance I have for a vacation, now.
How much would it take to
obtain a singing ensemble?
You mean a choir?
Fine. How much would it take to *acquire* a singing
ensemble?
I just saw a coloring book
for lazy people. It was a penguin, a
zebra, and a panda – in a snow storm.
A friend of mine went bald
years ago but still carries around an old comb. He just can't part
"I stand
corrected!" said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
Bad first date
conversation.
Her:
I love animals
Him:
I work with animals.
Her;
Oh, are you a vet?
Him:
No, I’m a butcher.
Patient - I’m having
trouble hearing lately
Doctor - Can you describe
the symptoms?
Patient - Let’s see. Homer is the fat one and his wife Marge has
blue hair.
I lost some of the fingers
of my right hand in an accident. I asked
the doctor if I could still write with it.
“Perhaps, but I wouldn’t
count on it.”
Free falling jokes
Give a man a plane ticket
and he will fly for a day. Push a man
out of a plane and he will fly for the rest of his life.
What's the difference
between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes whack "darn"
and a skydiver goes "darn" whack.
A couple of
semi-religious jokes to wrap it up.
Friedrich Nietzsche Dies. As
he ascends to heaven, he begins to get worried that he might be wrong about
atheism.
He gets even more worried
when he finally reaches heaven, and it looks just like how all those religious
people said it would.
Then an old man with a big
white beard comes up to him, and says, “I’m God, looks like you were wrong
about me.”
Nietzsche replies, “Not at
all. If you’re up here in heaven, too, that just proves everything that I wrote
is correct. God is dead!”
~~~~~
A donut walks into a
church, approaches the priest and explains, “Excuse me, Father, I don’t mean to
trouble you, but I’m very interested in joining the clergy. I was hoping that
you could give me some pointers.”
The priest, after taking a
moment to accept the fact that he’s speaking with a pastry, offers a warm smile
in response.
“That is truly a noble
calling,” he says. “Most frequently, individuals who wish to become priests
begin by growing active in their parish, then entering a seminary. While in
attendance there, would-be clergy members work to excel in every regard,
reaffirming their beliefs and devoting themselves to the path of righteousness.
When the time comes, a given initiate will be ordained as a deacon, which will
allow them passage to the priesthood.”
“That sounds like a very
involved process,” the donut confesses. “I’m not sure I have the time.”
“If you don’t mind me
asking...” replies the priest. “What made you think you wanted to join the
clergy if you’re not willing to commit to the process? Why do you want to be a
priest at all?”
“Well...” the donut
answers. “See, it’s because I’m holey.”
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