I am going to start
this week with a few quick, unrelated jokes.
My sense of humor is
probably due to unresolved childhood trauma.
Now that St. Patrick’s Day
is past everyone can go back to their original nationality… until May 5th.
I got a wish from a Leprechaun. I played it safe and told him I just wanted
to be happy.
Now I am working in a mine
with six other dwarves.
Mr. Peanut’s last words:
“I’ll be back in a Jif.”
Nothing ruins a Friday
more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.
Taco Bell Sign: Now Hiring
Managers.
[Two weeks later …] Taco
Bell Sign: Now Hiring Managers. Background Checks Required.
Here’s some advice: At a
job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is
a statistician.
Sometimes I like to sit my
dog down for a performance review, just to remind him who’s boss.
Why is it that no one is
ever the correct amount of ‘whelmed’?
George Washington is the
only president to not blame the previous administration for his problems
I’m pretty sure the
dinosaurs died out when they stopped gathering food and started having meetings
to discuss gathering food.
Kale is such a versatile vegetable. It fits in any size trash can.
Potatoes, on the other
hand, provide loads of vitamins, minerals, and nutrients. And you can have them fried, roasted, or
baked and loaded up with all sorts of delicious things. And they make potato
chips, and French fries, and vodka. It’s
like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
I learned the average
person has nine alcoholic drinks a week.
It is so nice to above average in something.
My memory has gotten so
bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I’m still employed. I just can’t
remember where.
Some office jokes
Scene: The break room.
Coworker #1 pulls out a
bottle of vitamins.
Coworker #2: What’s that?
Coworker #1: Vitamin D.
Coworker #2: Why do you
take that?
Coworker #1: Because we
live in Ohio, and we never see the sun.
Coworker #2: Wait a minute
… they make a vitamin that gives you a tan?
~~~~~
Employee #1: I wouldn’t
eat caviar. That’s fish eggs!
Employee #2: I’d try it.
After all, I eat chicken eggs.
Employee #3: You eat
chicken eggs?!
Our boss asked the new intern
to make three copies of an office key. The guy returned ten minutes later with
the copies … which he’d made on the Xerox machine.
To resolve conflicts
between management and staff, a facilitator brought both sides together and
asked employees to jot down key words on a flip chart. One participant
complained about management’s tendency to interfere and wrote the word
nitpicking. A manager leaped to his feet to ask, “Shouldn’t there be a hyphen
between nit and picking?”
The boss was known as a
stickler for good spelling. So when an associate e-mailed technical documents
and asked her to “decifer” them, she had to set him straight.
“Decipher is spelled with
a ph, not an f,” she wrote. “In case you’ve forgotten, spellchecker comes free
with your Microsoft program.”
A minute later came his
reply: “Must be dephective.”
Client to designer: “It
doesn’t really look purple. It looks more like a mixture of red and blue.”
Same Client: The blue
looks OK, but it would be great if it was a little more orange. Like “blorange.”
We were making leaflets
for a local church, and the client wanted a logo designed with Earth being
shielded by the hand of God. I sent the client a proof. Shortly thereafter, got
a call. Client: The hand looks too human. Please use a hand that looks more
like God’s.
The tech was trying to fix
the office Internet connection. An
employee in the other room called out for the computer password.
“Start with a capital S,
then 123,” the tech shouted back.
They tried S123 several
times, but it didn’t work. So they called the tech in. As he input the
password, he muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing
Start123.”
System administrators
should be called LANlords.
Irate tenant talking to
his landlord about the late rent:
“So ... you’re talking to me only because the
rent’s not paid? Is that all I am to you? A tenant?”
I guess this is what
happens after you’ve worked at the same place for a while: an employee began
his shift at a restaurant by walking into the kitchen area and calling out,
“Honey, I’m home!”
An insurance agent called the
medical office. One of the doctors had filled out a medically necessary
leave-of-absence form for a patient, but, the agent said, the patient had
altered it. The giveaway? The return-to-work date had been changed to February
30.
The maternity ward was
quiet, there were few babies there and only one boy. Thus the nurse on duty smiled when she saw a
harried man come in with a floral arrangement wrapped in blue ribbons
proclaiming ‘It’s a boy.’
Gesturing to the baby boy
she asked, “Does he look like you?”
“I hope not,” he said. “I
just deliver flowers.”
And finally
A mathematician, and
physicist, and an engineer are asked to find the volume of a red rubber ball.
The mathematician knows
that the volume of a sphere has been mathematically determined so he measures
the radius and puts it into the proper formula.
The physicist knows that
Archimedes discovered how to determine the volume of an object so he submerges
it in water and record the change in water level.
The engineer finds the
number on the ball then pulls out their book of red rubber balls and finds its
specifications.
