Perspective JOW #1172

 Here are some jokes this week from my own twisted perspective.  I hope you enjoy them.

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I’m sorry that some of my hilarious jokes are inappropriate and by ‘sorry’ I mean ‘you’re welcome.’

 

Do you want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I'm still working on it.

 

I used to be addicted to soap. But I'm clean now.

 

Am I getting older or is elevator music getting better?

 

I do all my own stunts – not intentionally.

 

Though I enjoy the sport, I could never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.

 

If they had a pill for procrastination I would probably take it…   tomorrow.

 

I went to the paint store to get thinner.  It didn’t work.

 

Interviewer - What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done?

Me – Awfully bold of you to think I’ve peaked.

 

My wife has be driving all over town looking for the right brand of paper towel.  That’s right, I’m a Bounty hunter now.

 

Waiter – How would you like your steak

Me – Like winning an argument with my wife

Waiter – Rare it is!

 

Man, my new SUV has everything.  But there is a button that says ‘rear wiper’.  I’m afraid to touch it.

 

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate and burn them.

I did and I feel much better.  Now what do I do with all these letters?

 

Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses, but dressing up like a cop and saying you have a warrant is not going to get me to open the door.

Troubling questions

Have you tried Taco Bell’s new $4.99 colon cleanse?

 

How come, ‘you’re a peach’ is a complement and ‘you’re bananas’ is an insult. 

 

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

 

What were Mr. Peanut’s last words?  I’ll be back in a Jiff.

 

Doesn’t scrolling all the way down to your birth year make you feel old?

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Police have confirmed that the man who fell from the roof of the nightclub was not a bouncer.

 

Bigfoot is often confused with Sasquatch, Yeti never complains.

 

A skeleton walked into a bar and, looking down at his ribcage said, “I’d like a beer…. And a mop.  I am not able to hold my liquor.”

 

German words can be so long.  For example the German word for bra is stoppenfrumfloppen.

 

Hold your horses – be stable

 

A Pilot episode because it is the first time it’s on the air

Break a leg – be in a cast

 

Deja Poo: The feeling you have heard this crap before.

 

Rocky Mountain Oysters.  The original sack lunch

 

Once there were twins who were very close.  One of the twins was good…. The other was the evil one, who of course was eventually caught and sent to prison for six years.  Three years in, he sent his brother a letter.

“Remember when we used to finish one another’s sentences…?”

 

What is the thing that comes after a sentence?   An appeal.

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A husband and wife purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters.

Winter was fast approaching and the wife was concerned about the house’s lack of insulation.

“If they could live here all those years, so can we!” the husband confidently declared.

One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and they woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.

The husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm.

After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.

“For the past 30 years,” he muttered, “they’ve gone to Texas for the winter.”

A few for the Boomers:

Carpenter ants are just like any other ants except ‘Rainy days and Mondays’ always get them down.

The Beastie Boys released a five part anthology.  Parts A-D are free but you have to ‘Fight for your right to Part E.’

Elton John but his pet rabbit on a treadmill….  “It’s a little fit bunny..”

 

Wife – Why are you making pancakes?

Me – They’re for the dogs.

Wife – Okay, why are you making pancakes for the dogs?

Me – Because they don’t know how.

Finally, a couple of Japanese jokes.

Kung Fu student asks his teacher, “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.”

And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, “My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?”

“Yes, my master, I have.”

“And a waterfall, spilling mightily over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?”

“Yes, my master, I have witnessed it.”

And the moon... when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?”

“Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon.”

“That is the problem. You keep watching all that stuff instead of training!”

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An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan and out comes a silver-suited alien, who floats over to an old rice farmer standing in amazement.

“Human creature,” the alien bellows, “we last visited your planet a ten thousand of your earth years ago. Tell us how you have evolved since then.”

The old man recovers himself, thinks for a moment and says, “Well, way back a long time ago, we were a crude bunch, no doubt. We’d take any old stick and walk down to the seashore, looking for something to eat. When we saw something, stab out came the stick, right through the fish or crab or urchin or whatever, and we’d eat it right off the stick.”

“That is truly a primitive state and in accordance with our records. But how have you evolved?”

“Oh, nowadays we use two sticks.”